#April2012

Jason Statham Turns Down ‘FAST SIX’, Obviously Is Clueless.

Jason Statham. C’mon, yo. You’re in Expendables  and Expendables 2, hanging out with a bunch of washed-up assholes. Clearly you’re not very selective. Yet you’re too good to star in the most gloriously homoerotic dude-fest franchise? I thought I saw you. I do not see you.

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Arnold and Stallone Get Shoulder Surgery. Together. Freud Passes Out.

Arnold and Stallone are totally retooling their shoulders, after being fucking rugged! and shit  shooting Expendables 2. There are no words.

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‘Expendables 2′ Is PG-13 Because Of Chuck Norris. Dude Sucks.

Confirmation of what I’ve known for a long time amid the Norris wanking throughout the years: he ain’t no Jean Claude. Latest case in point: his joining the cast of Expendables 2 has brought a PG-13 into the mix for the movie, thereby condemning it by precluding the only thing that would make it awesome: old douche ultra violence.

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Trailer: ‘Expendables 2′ Teaser Trailer? RAW MEAT AND MACHINE GUN SHELLS.

Fucking testosterone! Smash things! Fuck stuff! Guns! Muscles! Welcome to the Expendables 2 teaser trailer.

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Expendables 2 Poster: Dude-Bro Homoerotic Phallus Firing!

The first Sly-powered Expendables sucked. Far too much talking and Whiplash’s drooly lip, not enough destruction and death. Hopefully the sequel can invert the ratio between Pointless Pontification and Metal Phalluses Spewing Death. I mean fuck, it’s got a washed-up cast for the ages.

Hit the jump for the poster.

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Stallone Confirms Van Damme For ‘Expendables 2′, Wants Cage and Travolta.

The Expendables sucked. I didn’t object to the premise: a bunch of washed-up pieces of cultural refuse team up to kick ass and harken back to the old days. The problem was that there was too much pontificating and posturing and Mickey Rourke’s drooly lip. Maybe the second one will get it right. Explosions and death: yes. Blathering about the price of war: no.

They have gotten one thing right: adding fucking Van Damme to the mix.

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