CHARLIE SHEEN Is The President In ‘MACHETE KILLS’, Absurdity ++

I haven’t seen Machete, but even still I have the suspicion that I’m in love with it. It rocks a certain absurdity that I can get behind. Robby Rodriguez is following up the original flick with Machete Kills, and is showing no signs of mitigating the bonkers.

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Cat Scan Reveals 72 Cocaine Capsules In One Stomach. Drug Trafficking Is X-Treme.

Drug trafficking is fucking hardcore. Have you ever wondered what it looks like to stuff 72 cocaine capsules into your stomach and hope for the best? Yeah, me neither. But I have seen it now, and it’s fucking ludicrous.

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Submarine Carrying 5.5 Tons of Cocaine Caught In Honduras. Amazing.

Say what you will about drug cartels and the such, sometimes I have to admire their ingenuity in finding new ways to transport their product. Mind-blowing ways. Take for example these motherfuckers. The U.S Navy with help from Honduras nabbed a submarine carrying tons and tons of cocaine.

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Trapped Chilean Miners Requested Sex Dolls, Porn, and Drugs. Makes Sense.

There’s thirty-three dudes stuck down in the middle of the Earth for a couple of months. Stuck down there in the miserable darkness with one another, not sure when they’re going to get out. Of course these men have some requests. And of course these requests consist of drugs, sex dolls, and porn. You’re stuck down there for months, you need to actualize some basic needs, right? With plastic dolls!

Thankfully, these requests were met. For the most part. While the drugs and the porn was smuggled down to these poor dudes, the request for sex dolls was denied. Why? Well apparently they could only drudge up ten sex dolls, and we know how men handle sharing women. For all our bluster, we’re a jealous sort. The doc denied “the men’s request for sex dolls …because [he] was afraid jealousy could spread after only 10, rather than 33, dolls were found.”

How the fuck can only ten sex dolls be found? These men are trapped! Goodness gracious.

What I don’t get is why they just throw their typical definition of heterosexual tendencies to the wind. Right? I’m not up to speed on Chilean definitions of heterosexual normativity, but clearly there must be escape clauses for when you’re trapped underground for months. I mean, we exempt everyone when it comes to the army barracks or prison around here in the Empire. I’m sure we’d float the pass when it comes to being stuck in a mine.

All the guys are already tripping on drugs and hammering out loads next to one another, why didn’t they just lend an orifice or two?

Just saying.