Buy These Frakin’ Comics! – November 13, 2012: No Saga is complete without a magical phallus!
Out of the darkness emerges a hero! It ain’t me. That hero comes along, smashes me in the gullet, and drags my corpse into the creak whilst I scream. What I can do is welcome you back to Buy These Frakin’ Comics! It’s been over a month since I saddled up to this column and shared the juicy pink comic bits I want to be snagging on a given Wednesday. Better yet? It’s been over two months since I actually snagged the funnies off a rack. Busy, man. Jaded, woman. I return today, hoping to double down on some PMA and ride the sequential artwork once more. In this here column we gather round, scratching dander out of our cracks while sharing the comic books we’re buying. Don’t see your fave rag in my list? Good. Audience participation is crucial, and I’m always looking for new finds.
Not sure what is coming out? Hit up Comic List.
Thor: God Of Thunder #1
Thor. How you doing, braj? Can you be the one to jump start my giving a fuck about the Marvel NOW! line? I hope so. I mean Jesus Christ, Jason Aaron and Esad Ribic are handling your mastery of lightning bolts and Freudian nonsense. That’s a team assembled to smash planets. To take names! Aaron has you fighting the serial killer of Gods. Esad Ribic has your gorgeous golden locks looking better than ever. Why, I think this could work. We’ll find some secluded planet on the World Tree. Eat some forbidden berries. Take our shirts off. It’s going to be fantastic, Thor. I knew you could rekindle my love.
Wait. Wait a goddamn minute. Saga doesn’t drop for two months. I don’t read comic books for two months. Is this a coincidence, or a divine correlation? Two months without Marko smirking his doofus smirk. Two months without The Will regulating some errant asses. Two months without Alana confusing child birth for shitting. Or maybe shitting all over her child while blasting that thing out of poon-chasm. Whatever the case. My favorite (maybe, don’t tell Prophet) title of the year continues tomorrow! It is about time. Now that I am bemoaning the break. Whatever sort of magical siesta elixir it takes to keep the quality of the book up, I will get behind. Even if it means harvesting stem cells from my ass to power some sort of printing-press golem. You didn’t know that sort of machinery existed? Rookie.
I didn’t read the Joker’s premiere issue. If I am not mistaken, the joint lays somewhere in Rendar’s dungeon. Amid the scrawlings proclaiming the multiverse, sad Batman #13 lays unread. Rendar would read it, but he is too busy attempting to pierce time and space with a tin-foil katana and excessive amounts of Hipster Beer X flowing through his veins. Don’t forget the Electricity! That’s integral. I dare not enter the dungeon to reclaim it, so I’m going to have to just snag this second Joke-laden issue and hope my feeble brain-sprout can interpolate whatever I may have missed.
At this point in the game, I’m becoming redundant. Not that I haven’t been for years. Oh, I’m Caffeine Powered! Poop! Tits! Wakka wakka! However, even more so in this column. I drop a title I’m intrigued by, then I say “But I haven’t read the previous issue.” No shit, Caff. You took two months off. We get it. We get it! Enough! Enough! In the interim the last artist for Massive left the gig. It’s an odd occurrence, but while I enjoyed the artwork I never felt it fit Wood’s grittier style. Gary Brown is now handling the artistic duties, and I think we would be remiss if we didn’t welcome aboard. Hey, Gary! There are donuts in the back. Help yourself. Don’t drink the coffee though, I saw Bateman spiking it with some unnamed substance. I asked him what it was, and he informed me it was “substantial integrity decliners.” Take that for what it is worth.
Thar we be with my jams of the week. What are you gals and guys checking out?