The Dude’s High 5s: Top 5 Fictional Handheld Weapons I Want To Own [Video Game Edition]

Not only am I the Dude, but I’m also A dude.   Like most males that are stuffed with testosterone and swagger like pirate god kings I love violence.   Let me be a bit more specific, I like the idea of violence.   I’d rather see it done in a movie or on a TV show in real life.   Better yet, I’d rather be the one doing the violence in a video game.   Today’s High 5 will look at the tools of the trade.   These are the weapons I’d want to wield if I was about to run through the streets on an anger fueled GTA killing spree (Probably in Salem, MA … driving in that city is aggravating).

5. Power Fist (Fallout)

I’ve played every incarnation of Fallout ever made.   If I could take one handheld weapon from that universe it would be the Power Fist.   I have no idea how they work from a scientific stand point.   All I have to go on is that every time I do a melee run through any of the games using one of these bad boys, I end up standing in piles of red goo that used to be my enemies.    I can think of nothing more terrifying than to see one person punch an object (or person) and have said object (or person) explode.   With the Power fist you are never unarmed.


4. Lightsaber (Star Wars)

I’m probably going to catch some heat for not having listed the Lightsaber as number 1, but as you’ve probably been able to surmise, I don’t mind being yelled at for my choices.   Now, the reason I have this listed at four is because the practicality of this weapon in our world.   Sure, Jedis can deflect laser blasts and have sweet fights with other lightsaber wielding baddies.   However that doesn’t do me a whole hell of a lot of good.   A) We don’t use lasers, B) there’s no one out there with another lightsaber for me to fight, and C) I’m not skilled enough with a sword to not slice my own foot off.   This item would be relegated to almost tool type duty.   Stuck in a dark room?   Use the lightsaber.   Not only would it light up the room, but I could hack through the wall.


3. Lancer (Gears of War)

I’m not really a Gears of War fan.   I played the first one a little and watched two friends sit down and beat the second one in a single sitting.   The “dude bro” approach to the game kinda put me off almost as much as the “do everything” button.   Hey Cliff, there are 7 other buttons on an Xbox controller, its ok to map actions to them!   All issues and matters of taste aside, the Lancer is a terrifying weapon.   It combines the power of an assault rifle with the elegance of a chainsaw (yes, I called a chainsaw elegant).   This skirts the line of fictionality as we have both machine guns and chainsaws.   However, like the peanut butter and candy cane sandwich, no one has put them together yet.


2. Gravity Gun (Half Life)

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve never completed a Half Life game.   I played a little bit of Half Life 1 and a decent chunk of Half Life 2.   The problem is that I played them way too late in their cycles to be impressed by them.   However the Gravity Gun in Half Life 2 is one of the most joyful experiences I’ve ever had while dicking around in a game.   I have an idea of how this would work in the real world, a super powerful electromagnet that can be powered up to attract and object, shut off to drop it, overclocked to give an item a magnetic charge, and then flip the polarity to shoot it off into the distance.   Of course the power source used in the game simply doesn’t exist yet and would probably make the user sterile.   That still wouldn’t spoil the time I would have playing with this thing.


1. BFG9000 (Doom)

Last month Caffeine Powered called the BFG 9000 a “glorious video game death machine.”  He was spot on.   (I totally stole this pic from him too!) There is no combat situation I could conceive where my position wouldn’t be improve by having a weapon that turns every enemy in sight into a pile of warm green ooze.   My only question about this weapon is how it determines friend from foe.   This seems like a flaw in the design process as if there is no FoF setting, wouldn’t you be possible killing your own troops?   Does that mean that the BFG 9000 is meant for a lone troop to go out and use it alone?   What if he’s sniped?   That means you’ve just delivered a massive weapon to your enemy.   However since I’ll most likely be alone in my fictional GTA rampage, I won’t have to worry about it.

How about you folk out there?   Any weapons or gadgets that appear in video games that you really want to see break the 4th wall and exist in reality?