ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!? Be honest. This final episode of Eastbound flipped you on your head, had you crying like a baby, and then had your fist clenched in the air as if to say “you got me, assholes!”, before gently shutting itself down forever. It was the emotional equivalent to 4 years of High School packed into 30 minutes of programming, and now it’s my job to somehow pick up the pieces of your shattered soul to provide some level of clarity in this moment of somber reflection. Wish me luck suckas, because the only way I can describe the series finale is:
Allow me to explain…
We open in Arlington, Texas where Seth Rogan gets exploded by John Benjamin’s van while chasing skirts. Awesome. Great fucking start. Turns out Seth is the closer for Texas, and his untimely death has given KP the moment we have been waiting for. The next scene Coach informs Kenny he is called up to the majors. Everything is coming into place. Hollywood ending, here we come.
Kenny spends the next couple scenes shutting shit down. He drops in on Andrea’s class to offer a more official breakup. Then comes Stevie y Maria, who inform Kenny of their pregnancy and their desire to remain in Myrtle whist Kenny heads to Texas. Cool. Funny scene when they are throwing away all the sex toys and paraphernalia into the ocean. Oh ya and burning the styrofoam body board. Thick black chemical smoke.
Kenny then hits up April on his way out of town, who reveals that she wants to get the band back together. Oh the drama! Too bad, KP is on a mission to fulfill his destiny. He can deal with that shit later.
Now we are in the playoffs in Arlington, and it is time for Kenny to fulfill his destiny. Who is there to help him offer a prayer/gay fantasy? Roy (played by Matthew McKindagay). Hilarious prayer sesh. Super Chill Jesus Christ. Everything is coming into place. Time to do your thang KP!
Kenny assumes the mound for his meeting with destiny. After two dominant strikes, this is it. Dark ending or bright? What’s it going to be? Things are looking pretty hollywood. But no! KP doesn’t fire the final pitch, win the game, and get the girl. He doesn’t fail either. KP does the unexpected, and just walks off the field. Hollywood ending #1: aborted. WTF!!!
OK OK Ok. It took a couple seconds for the emotional letdown to pass, but at least KP is going to live out his domestic destiny with April and Toby, right? RIGHT!?! It’s at this very moment of internal dialogue, as the dark highway footage becomes more prolonged, that it dawns on you…
Oh no. KENNY FUCKING POWERS IS ABOUT TO FUCKING DIE!!! NOOOO! NOT THE PREFONTAINE ENDING!!! But alas, Kenny charges off the highway to certain death. F U C K.
We are then treated to a somber look at how everyone affected by KP’s death deals with the grief. A couple of my favorites are captured below. But you are in too much shock to really make anything of it. Eyes teary and swollen. It can’t be. It just can’t be. You repeat it to yourself in disbelief. How could they go Prefontaine? How could they?
In the final scene, April appears to be moving forward. Dealing with it, and moving on. The doorbell rings…
That’s right. Kenny is alive, and you’re a dumbass for ever believing otherwise. The death scene was a fake. Duh.
Kenny explains faking his death was the only way for them to be together. We shift back to some bizarre hollywood happy ending perversion. Wah wah. You got got. Admit it.
That’s pretty much it. The series is over. Although, at this point, I trust no one. They probably have 3 more seasons written down somewhere. But either way, I just want to say a nostalgic goodbye to the series that landed me this gig here at OL, introduced me to a community of like-minded geeks, and that brought us all a lot of laughs along the way. Fair well Kenny. Your departure will leave a huge hole to be filled. Pun intended.
“Maria you must be pretty happy though, huh? Texas has a fuckin’ weather climate very similar to Mexico, except it doesn’t stink like fuckin’ buttholes and donkeys.”
“Well, technically I use this pipe to smoke DMT, but now its the home to Spurgeon, his hermit crab that’s a pet.”
“Truth be told, I’m a grown up real person. Sure your bodies might be tight. You might like to have sex in amazing, cool, intricate positions, but besides that shit, ya’ll don’t have a fuckin’ clue.”
“Dreams and riches do come true for some people. But take it from me, Kenny Powers. I’m out. The end – of the book.”