Watch: Five Hours Of Darth Vader Burning Is Your New Yule Log
Holy shit. There’s Christmas spirit, and then there’s five hours of Darth Vader burning on his funeral pyre as your Yule Log spirit.
You awake in a room that looks like your room, but it isn’t your room. Your automatic daily routine follows its well-trodden path, unobstructed, and yet this day is different. Your baby blue cotton bed sheets have been replaced with a fluffy, retro Jabba the Hutt comforter, and your polka dot shower curtain swapped with a plastic print of Han Solo trapped in carbonite. When you search in the kitchen for the coffee grinder, you accidentally retrieve a pizza cutter that, if you cross your eyes, looks like R2-D2. In the evening, you gaze at your hands in horror to find they have been replaced with giant, Star Wars-licensed credit cards intended for maximum consumption.
But then you hear a soft, crackling sound coming from the living room. The warm glow of Christmas bends around the corner of the hall, and you follow it, believing the holiday and its flickering decorations will provide a reprieve from Star Wars mania. Surely, you think, someone wouldn’t pervert Christmas for the sake of crass consumerism.
And there you see it, roaring on the television. Your goofy Five Hours of Yule Log DVD has been swapped with five hours of Darth Vader burning in a funeral pyre. You fall to your knees, raise your credit card hands into the air, and you scream.