WEEKEND OPEN BAR: soup or bowl?
[WEEKEND OPEN BAR: The one-stop ramble-about-anything weekend post at OL. Comment on the topic at hand. Tell us how drunk you are. Describe a comic you bought. This is your chance to bring the party.]
The day is almost upon us my friends. Here we have two juggernaut titans ready to do battle on the gridiron. You know what, I can’t do it. I can’t fake it. I just don’t give a shit about this Sunday’s game. Sure, you can say that because my team got eliminated a fortnight ago that I’m bitter. And maybe I am a little. But I have a reason to be. It’s not my fault that my team’s legendary quarterback (Who shall remain Bradyless … I mean nameless) can no longer function in the second half of big games. And I don’t see why I shouldn’t be bitter that my amazing head coach (Who’s Belickick I won’t mention … I mean name) can no longer design a defense to fool a mouth breather like Joe Flacco.
Anyway, I digress. That’s not why we’re here today. I don’t want to talk about real sports.
I don’t give a shit what that groundhog says, winter is almost over. Soon we’ll all be thrust from our cozy dwellings to enjoy the world once more. What will we do for fun then? My question this Open Bar is what is your favorite fake sport? What is a fake sport? Well it’s one of those sports that people will mention when mentioning sports they like, but it’s not actually a real sport. It’s in that in-between category. Not as stationary as a hobby, and more skill than an activity.
So I ask, what is your favorite fake sport?
Favorite Fake Sport: LAWN DARTS
There is no question for me. My favorite fake sport is without doubt lawn darts. I am very good at Lawn Darts. I’ve been playing it since I was about seven. If Aliens came down to planet Earth and challenged me to a game of my choosing for the fate of the world, I’d choose Lawn Darts. I’m that damn good.
For those of you unfamiliar with the game, it’s like horseshoes. You have you have two teams of two. You and your partner line up on opposite sides of the field, and attempt to prevent the opposing team from scoring, while racking up points. Only one team may score per round. A bulls-eye is worth 3 points, a ringer is worth 2 points, and if a dart is within a dart’s length of the ring its worth 1 point. Best played with a beer in your non-throwing hand.
The reason I love Lawn Darts is because it combines three of my favorite things.
- Throwing things
- Nearly impaling your friends with sharp metal objects
That last one may not seem like fun to you, but when all your friends are dicks, its much more appealing.
The problem with the game however is that in all their wisdom, the United States government banned the sale of Lawn Darts in 1989. Sure, a few kids get accidentally stabbed and all of the sudden it’s dangerous. Since then its been awful hard to find a game. However, for those of us who are truly dedicated to this fake sport we can import the broken down pieces of Lawn Darts from the UK and assemble them here.
What is your favorite fake sport?