Bought These F**king Comics – July 19, 2012: Let me be clear, Avengers vs. X-Men sucks. Saga Rules.

What’s up, jabronis! Yeah, I’m late with the column. That’s why I got all goddamn clever and changed the title this week to bought these fucking comics! Bought! Get it? ‘Cause these are the funnies I’ve already snagged on this finest of days. The funny book day. Let us gallop amongst the pull lists together, sharing and caring about the titles we procured at the LCS.

Haven’t snagged your titles? Don’t know what dropped? Hit up Comic List.

Avengers vs. X-Men #8
Stick a finger in my ass and call me a cruddy well, I broke down this week and bought the latest AvX. It had Kubert art, and like too many times in my life I was curious. Somehow this is the only title I got to read before parting with the stack of funnies as they followed Rendar to his bunker underneath the Atlantic ocean. Jesus spare me, this title sucks. Sucks, sucks, sucks. How in Fuck’s Name are they going to recuperate Scott Summers? Osama bin Summers. The dude is an outright malicious, malignant, douchebag of a terrorist. I just don’t…I just can’t…Wait, wait, I get it. It’s the Phoenix Force! Right? Of course. Blah.  Also, I don’t know if I’m just noticing it, but Kubert has roughly nine poses for his action sequences. That he’s been using. Forever. Into infinity.


(We also snagged X-Men #32 because it’s Brian Wood. Truth be told, I didn’t want to. Rendar pressured me into it. He wagged his tongue and said uncouth things about my masculinity, should I have passed it up.)


Saga #5
Only people who hate themselves aren’t reading Saga. Sadly, there is a good portion of the comic book population out there who hates themselves. They’re clad in Generic Superhero t-shirt, fingering their way through every off-shot of some nondescript event. This title is the berries. Strap upon your Mind-Portal and journey into a delicious blend of science-fiction fantasy adventure. Within these walls you’ll find yourself mesmerized by the gorgeous artwork, titillated by the occasional bout of robot-fucking. That dull throbbing meat-pump in your chest will glow from the bits of love. It’s good, folks. Good.


Captain Marvel #1
Ain’t never cared about Captain Marvel. Ain’t nevah, until now. I’ve always had a soft spot for Carol Danvers, digging her particularly most when she and Tony Stark are out breaking their sobriety together. Just the two of them hanging out in some bar, Stark shitting his mecha-suit, daring Carol to make our with him. She politely declines, eating too many peanuts and praying that Stark doesn’t try to fly home on her watch. Now Danvers is getting a whole new level of punching power, and donning the mantle of That Guy I Never Cared About. I’m intrigued. There can never be enough high-powered women ready to throw five-knucklers off the jaws with the sausage-fest crew that dominates the funny books. Even nicer is that the design of Danvers’ costume doesn’t have her one stiff breeze away from hanging areola. Classy.

(Peer pressure also led to be buying Fantastic Four #608. Gasp! You exclaim! Confused. I had to be cajole into buying a Hickman comic? Yeah, I don’t know. Ever since he announced he was leaving and finished up his enormous arc, he’s just been twiddling his thumbs before leaving. Ain’t a knock on the man, I’m just not blown away.)


Enough about me. What’d you snag? Let’s chat.