Alright, I’m just going to come out and say that I’ve pretty much given up on ever genuinely enjoying this show like I once did. Perhaps it was a delusion, some sort of apparition or glamouring that tricked me into thinking this show was dope. But at this point, it comes off like a mush of romance and homoerotic tension. And while I am typically a lover of both romance and homoerotic tension, I’m pretty sure that from now on True Blood will be spent counting the time until a real show comes on.
I’ve figured out that this current season can be broken down into three distinct entities.
1. Eric Northman Cock Teases Everyone
King Dandyfuck, or whatever his name is, killed Eric’s dad. Who was a King. And now in a manner to ingratiate himself into the King’s inner circle in an effort to ultimately kill him, he’s begun hitting on him. And King Dandyfuck’s husband. I dug this at first, since I imagined myself being hit on by Eric and I glowed a bit inside. Then it just sort of kept going, and I’m like, alright dude, do something.
But he isn’t content just cock-teasing King Dandyfuck and the king’s typically flamboyant husband. He also spends a good amount of time growling and making comments at Sookie, and then Sookie is like “Roar roar I’ll never forgive you, roar roar, gap-toothed annoyingness.” So Eric walks around a lot in tight-fitting shirts and running his finger up and down people’s stomachs. Every episode. Forever.
2. Sookie Does Dumb Shit While Bill and His Dumb Maker Go Emo
This has been an essential part of the series for the last two seasons. Sookie runs around like a petulant bitch, heading into danger every episode. She just yells “Bill!” through the Whistling Caverns that are her front two teeth, while disobeying every good suggestion ever.
Meanwhile!, Bill and his maker Lorena just say pathetic overwrought bullshit to one another. “I wish I could have seen you before the show’s writers ruined you, Lorena!” and then she cries a lot of blood and everything is terrible and she says something like “I will never stop loving you, William Compton!”
While this is going on, I turn to my girlfriend and I say something like, “Fuck, I can’t wait to watch a real show.”
3. Everyone Else Gets Too Much Screen Time And Sucks
Jessica is hot as hell and glamours people, which is awesome. I wish I could stare at her in her cute waitress outfit, but I can’t. Why? ‘Cause Lafayette is spending time with Jesus just so Alan Ball can make people uncomfortable with two dudes kissing. Sorry Alan!, I’m fine with it. Meanwhile, Jason is trying to hit on some hillbilly slut, and slapping the asses of varsity quarterbacks. But if that isn’t boring you enough, Sam Merlotte is dealing with his yokel brother and the fact that his white trash uses Bro Merlotte in pitbull fights or some shit.
Seriously? That’s the side-story they’re going with? All the side characters have far too much screen time, which takes away from the 10% of the main storylines (if there actually are some) that doesn’t suck. So in the end its a bunch of fast cuts while a bunch of attractive people walk around Vampire Hotel and the shitty bayou.