OL STORE: ‘FINAL FANTASY VII’ Remake Like Woah! [And Sephiroth’s douchiness.]

Tifa’s huge rack and Cloud’s huge sword. It isn’t science (or maybe it is?) why I got behind Final Fantasy VII back in the day. There was flowing breasts and enormous bladed phallic weapons to swing at objects of my desire destruction. My adolescent brain was careening on raw hormone. You see, I regularly destroyed compact discs for no apparent reason. More often than not, I’d crank open my Mortal Kombat II strategy guide and awkwardly rub my groin all over my carpet with odd feelings and gooey groin. This game brought together these two absurd occurrences, and wrapped it up with the emergent teenage sense of wonderment. As Cloud and his rag tag of condemnable terrorists rolled the fuck out of Midgar, the world opened up to them. I couldn’t help but feel the same fucking feeling, with friends getting their licenses and our own world map unfolding before our eyes. Granted, Cloud was saving the world (when not being some sort of eco-Jihadist piece of shit). I was getting fat off of Wendy’s chicken nuggets and cajoling friends into trying to buy porn for me. Cloud and me? Mutually assured bildungsroman.

Time has passed. Nothing has really changed. Now I get fat at night, trying to hide from my (too beautiful) girlfriend that I’m rapid-firing peanut butter sandwiches into my gullet past midnight. My greasy groin still has odd feelings and yeah, the couch gets humped. Hard habits. Final Fantasy VII fades into the background for the most past. Every so often though, the son of a bitch washes up on the shore of my consciousness. Just like that silly little fucker Cloud after he douses himself in the lifestream. A stream, which now that you mention it, looks a hell of a lot like Diet Mountain Dew. And in those intervening moments when I remember the title, the balls tighten a little, and a smile crosses my face. It ain’t ever going to go away.

Those two little batches of dumb assery are the wonder we’ve cooked up to commemorate the title, knowing that the feelings for FFVII run far and wide. It changed many. Activated the minds of more. Hope you dig them, fools. If you do, snag one at the OL STORE.