The Dude’s High 5s: Top 5 Misunderstood Videogame Henchmen

So last week I shat in the pool and started pointing fingers.   I get it, some of you were unhappy with my High 5.   I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, that’s how I like it.   This is a melting pot of ideas and opinions.

This week we’re moving into the realm of video games; a realm that I have disgracefully ignored until now.   Today it’s about henchmen, specifically the waves and waves of baddies that you as the protagonist dispatch without hesitation.   These aren’t the run of the mill bad guys.   Perhaps these guys don’t quite deserve the hurting that you put on them.   Maybe next time you encounter them, you’ll think a little more and just let them pass.

5. Koopas (Super Mario)

Those poor bastards have no idea what they are in for.   For nearly three decades Mario and friends has been murdering these helpless bastards by the thousands.   I think Mario might be a psychopath.   He stomps on them, burns them, feeds them to his pets, drops them down pits, dresses up like a raccoon and whaps them with his tail, beats them to death with the carcasses of their fallen brothers, and then throws them at cars that are ahead of him.   No wonder Peach leaves him for Bowser.   Mario is the ultimate jealous boyfriend.


4. Smileys (Manhunt)

These guys got the ultimate raw deal.   First they were born and/or raised in an environment that caused severe emotional problems.   Then they were locked up and left to rot in a mental hospital.   Later, that hospital was forgotten about, only to be purchased by a dude who wanted to jerk off to videos of the inmates being butchered.   Perhaps if the Director had asked for volunteers their deaths would be a little more humane, but as it stands, you (as Cash) run around and kill the mentally challenged.   For shame!


3. Sith (KOTOR)

So let me get this straight, there are a group of religious zealots who take children away from parents and force them to follow strict guidelines that involve little to no fun and a life without love or happiness?   And they’re the good guys?   The Sith have been painted as evil, warmongering anarchists for centuries just because they have passion and embrace the human emotions that drive them.   The Jedi vs. Sith debate could be just a skin for Democrat and Republican.   Each thinks the other side is the worst thing ever and to imagine them in power is to imagine that your own entrails are being sucked out of you by a pool’s water pump (… that actually happened to a little girl not too long ago, so its possible).    So as a Jedi, the ambassadors of peace and understanding, you go out and slaughter these men and women simply because they disagree with you.   How noble.


2. Geth (Mass Effect)

The plight of the Geth is the plight of us all.   The Geth were thrown together, born if you will, without their consent, just like the rest of us.   For a time they were slaves.   Forced to do their master’s bidding no matter how tedious or demeaning.   Like every child that has defied their parents the Geth had the stones to ask the most important question their collective conscious could conjure.   “Do I have a soul?”   If the answer was yes, the Quarians should have been ashamed that they were enslaving an entire race.   If the answer was no, then what reason do the Geth have for living?   Like any good rebellion, the underdogs won.   The Geth forced the Quarians to flee Ranoch.   Rather than find a new planet, the Quarians drove around the galaxy a few thousand times listening to sad music and brooding about how much they missed their old planet.   Maybe if you weren’t assholes you would have been asked to stay!

After 400 years of peace, the Geth were tricked into the service of Saren, an agent of the Reapers.  So the proud Commander Shepard slaughters them over and over in constant battle without a care or thought as to why these previously non-aggressive people became warlike.   With the ease that Commander Shepard cut through waves of Geth, it has to make you think that the Quarians were the shittiest fighters ever.


1. City Guards (Assassin’s Creed)

There is no other way to slice it.   Altair is an asshole.   There are men out there who see as serving in the city watch as a noble way to put food on their family’s table while making the streets safer.   So what do you do?   You swoop in like some avenging demon and create widows and orphans.   I hope you’re proud of yourself.

So what endless army of innocents do you folks slaughter without batting an eye?   What atrocities have you committed that you never bothered to look at from another perspective?