Press Start!: The Dude Who Hacked My Xbox Can Choke On Unicorn Puke
Pow! Welcome to the sporadic and unfortunately not really weekly anymore column Press Start! Within these confines we talk about what the haps are in the world of gaming on a given week. No column is complete without a lazy conceit, so we’re rocking a Top 5 list. Per usual, my list is based solely on personal preference, and reflects only my poor taste. Do my dumb ass a solid and spout off in the comments section about what caught your fancy these past seven days.
Let’s boogie. Woogie.
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#1) Assassin’s Creed III Is Going American Revolution
One of the franchises I haven’t really gotten down with this generation is Assassin’s Creed. It ain’t a knock on the games, I’ve heard they’re the berries. In fact, I beat the second one. But even a lazy feet-dragging graduate student douchebag like myself has to budget his gaming time, and them sumbitches are a fucking investment. So I passed. However the official third title may be getting me back into the game. This week shit began to leak about the title and then Ubisoft was all, fuck it have the box art. We don’t know much, but we know it takes place during the American Revolution is the main duder is apparently Native American.
Now I don’t know who he is going to be fighting, but I’d like the fucker to run train on the entire enterprise. Redcoats, rebels, whatever. Tomahawking motherfuckers, taking down the colonial pigs regardless of what side of the Revolution they stand upon. Riding fucking bison and throat-chopping the right pricks and then maybe donning their wigs and laughing about how goddamn dumb they are.
A man can dream.
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#2) Minecraft Creator Gives Away $3 Million To Fellow Employees
Holy hell, talk about a fucking boss. Markus “Notch” Persson is considered the brain-plate behind the gaming phenomnenon that is Minecraft. Yesterday said brain-plate wunderkind announced on Twitter that he was going to give away all of his dividends from 2011 to fellow employees at their company Mojang. Already awesome, right? It gets better. The dividends are worth around $3 million, and left the recipients goddamn stunned. Understandably so. Some cries. Some went to the Twitter-sphere to give him virtual daps. Whatever the case, what a tremendous showing of good will from the leader of the staff.
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#3) Dude Creates Homemade Arm Cannon To Play Metroid Prime
There’s ways to play Metroid Prime, and then there are *ways* to play Metroid Prime. Some dude particularly fond of modification and of Samus decided to go full monty and create his own arm cannon for his gaming experience. One-half sort of excessive, one-half sort of awesome. Like the sort of endeavor that is about the journey and then when he finally slaps the thing around his arm he’s like “Eh, yeah, I don’t know. It’s kind of heavy and I’m feeling back strain”, or at least that is how it works out in my mind.
Also for some reason whenever I’m looking at it, I just see a cock with its foreskin all pinched up. Nothing says empowered female character like strapping a giant cock to her arm before stripping her down at the end of the game. Also, did you know that the word Metroid is loosely translated in Japanese as “Dong blaster?” Look it up. I promise.
Whatever the case, check out some pics. Golf clap for his efforts. Quietly convince yourself you can’t see some smegma built up around the edges.
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#4) Dude Who Hacked My XBL Account Can Eat My Grimecore Ass.
Tragedy struck my ass last summer. We’re talking serious, life-altering shit. One day while checking my email I got a confirmation for something like fucking $60 in Microsoft Space Points. I knew something was up. That’s a serious space-buck commitment. Then I tried to login to my XBL account and to my horror I had been digi-banged in the arm pit without even a kiss. I had no friends list, no achievement points, and no space-bucks. I called Microsoft and then said “Blah blah, we’re useless, it’ll take a month to fix.”
Pay attention, learn a lesson from me.
A month without XBL? Fuck that noise. Petulantly I started a new account, throwing the deuces up at my achievements and not really caring. What I didn’t realize, what I should have realized, is that your Xbox binds *everything* to your gamer tag. Everything. Initially I thought that it was just Borderlands that I’d have to start over on. I grimaced, had The Dude power level me back to where I was, and went on my merry way.
(My dreams for said hacker. Critical blow.)
Months passed. February happens. While getting amped up for Mass Effect 3 (holy fuck did you see the launch trailer?), Dude Himself once again asked me what I was going to do about my saved files for the first two games being bogusified. I thought, that couldn’t be right. Microsoft couldn’t be as fucking dumb as to bind all my saved files to an account. What is this, Communist Poland?
He was right though.
They were.
I shit myself.
The hours! The choice decisions! All gone, all gone! But it got worse. All my DLC? Gone. The dumb ass Cerberus Network needed to even log-in? Gone! In a madness that sloughed off school work and social interaction, I grinded through the two games. I mean, this is the galaxy we’re talking about. Still though. Fucking bastard.
So for you good exploiter of my glory, I wish you a pox. Anal fissures and bloody noses. A vicious Doomsday Device from the Legion of Doom. Alas. Take heed folks, what your mother always said is true: haste does in fact make waste. I could have sweated it out, accepted the suspension. Instead I heeded the siren call of purples in Borderlands and now I’ll pay out the ass.
(TL;DR, I know)
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#5) BioShock Infinite Gets A Release Date; Forever Boners.
This year is packed to the ass with awesomsity in all venues for me. Movies. Television shows. Late night rendevous with people willing to let me eat Taco Bell beef out of their ass in a a dumpster while Step-Up 2: The Streets plays on my iPad. It’s awesome. There’s few things I’m sweating more than BioShock Infinite, the sequel to one of the best games of all time: Bioshock 2. Ha! Did I trick you? Seriously tough Ken Levine and the crew are back, and they’re unleashing this pig on October 6. I’ve heard some bitching and moaning but this is perfect for me. I’ve got Mass Effect 3, Max Payne 3, Journey, I Am Live, and Diablo III all ready to hold me over until this release. (Not to mention Borderlands 2 a month earlier)
Still though, pumped. Fuck yeah.
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What did you rub up on in gaming this week? Hit me.