Variant Covers: Wolverine’s Vomiting Apple Pie On Grandpa
Gobble, gobble, gobble! How’s it going? We’re getting ready to celebrate LOL Sucker Indians Day! You know the one I talk about! We show thanks for everything by generally behaving like we really don’t appreciate anything. Packing in an inordinate amount of food, telling Uncle Steve he better pass that fucking drum stick, and then smashing Old Ladies in the nose for a good Black Friday deal.
Makes the human spirit sing!
Thankfully we have mofuckin’ comic books to hide within. Crack the spine, it shall provide an escape.
What are you reading this week?
Fantastic Four #600, Mashed Potatoes.
This comic book is the goddamn mashed potatoes of my Thanksgiving Week comic book loot. Johnny Storm bit the bullet back at the beginning of the year in one of the more poignant deaths. To me. It seems like he’s going to be resurrected. Poor Hickman. Like all writers, slave to the Editorial Mandate. It’s all going down in this enormous comic book. 100 pages of new content! Like mashed potatoes I’m going to plow through a considerable amount. Belly bulging, gas amassing. I’ll continue on! Nothing can stop me! Just you try.
DMZ #71, That Cousin That You Miss.
DMZ is coming out this week, and I haven’t read the latest arc. I’m sitting on a TPB that I need to march through. To arms! This title is like that cousin U really miss and want to catch up with at dinner. She’s not here, she’s out building houses in some storm-torn neighborhood. Or maybe Occupying Somewhere. It’s been forever though, and I’m really hoping she’s not just ducking me since I stared at her bust a couple of years ago when she accidentally blasted her breasts with gravy. It wasn’t an audible sigh, okay? It was a groan. No shit it wasn’t that. It was a concerned murmur. Deborah, I miss you. Come back! It isn’t weird, we’re second cousins.
Secret Avengers #19, Stuffed Mushrooms. Oh Shit I Love This!
Secret Avengers is Warren Ellis’ currently mainstream comic book wunder. It’s a small bite sized morsel every month. A stand-alone issue that takes you through the Marvel Universe courtesy of the warped Ellisian logic that us fanboys of him have come to know and love. This shit right here are those little stuffed mushrooms my Aunt makes. I can mow them in a few seconds, pausing to belch little bready bits into the atmosphere. I’ve forgot that I ate the son of a bitch almost as soon as enamel-bones stop clicking. Don’t mean I don’t dig it though. Small. Tiny. Enjoyable.
Infinite #4, Your Roided Out Football Playing Nephew.
Rob Liefeld and Robert Kirkman’s title drops this week. This title is totally the nephew who is in high school. He’s totally roided out and plays a mean linebacker. He’ll never get into a D1 school, and he’s one awful pivot away from blowing out that loosey-goosey ACL. He’s awesome though. He looks like a physical aberration. Pecs for days, raging eyes. He’ll talk too loudly about some broad he was “totally boning on” while your sister looks on aghast at her son. Insanity, physically disproportionate nonsense. Definitely a Liefeld comic book.
Wolverine And His Slap Ass Kids #2, Turkey Son!
I don’t like turkey very much, but I appreciate it. I think that’s the best way to describe the first issue of Wolvie and the Kiddos. The script was a nice work of exposition to bring readers into the situation. However the artwork wasn’t my speed. Cartoony, a little over the top. Veiny bullshit in the turkey guts. Just close your eyes and try and enjoy the taste. God, if I had every time I’ve heard that in a bathroom stall. Teary-eyed, telling myself it’s just to get Video Game X and getting it over with.
Where was I?
Oh Yeah! Turkey.
Other Bullshit On The Table:
All-Star Western #3 is dropping! That’s the delicious shit my brother mows on, and I can’t grasp enjoying. Stuffing or some shit. He’s smiling and I’m like “Dude that was pulled out of the Turkey’s ass-cardiac-piece. Dark Horse Presents #6 is coming out, and it’s featuring a new story by FÃ¡bio Moon. I know I’ll forget to snag it tomorrow, so this is the side dish that I always forget to plow down gullet. Something like the asparagus or something. I’m too busy barely-not-dry-heaving mashed potatoes to notice those. Finally there’s a panoply of titles coming out involving your Iron Men, Flashes, Thors and others of the world.
Well enough with my horribly forced conceit. What are you buying this week?