Fear Fest: Spiders!

OCTOBER 3rd, Spiders

“The spider taketh hold with her hands, and is in kings’ palaces.”
-Proverbs 30:28

                              Hello ladies and gentlemen.   Welcome back to this satellite of love we like to call Rocket ship Omega Level.   In the last two Fear Fest articles, I took a more clinical approach to them.   Today, it’s a little more loose.   I’m firing from the hip on this one.   One could argue that “Oh you procrastinated and didn’t have time to be as throughout because you were playing video games and making god cry”.   Well, in retort to you Mr. Smart guy, all I can say is stop peering into my window you pervert!

Arachnophobia is one of the world’s most common fears.   Its no secret why, look at them.   Spiders, and scorpions, are so alien to us that its hard to conceive that we share the same planet.   Personally, I like spiders.   They kill and eat other bugs that I hate.   Since I am apparently public enemy number one to the mosquito world (Why else would those fuckers attack me so much), I’ve had to make alliances with anything that will kill them.   That means citronella, tiki torches, bats, and spiders.   Upon reading up on certain arachnids, I may have to rethink the whole arachnophobia thing.

This here is a camel spider.   Look at that thing.   There’s no way in hell this thing is friendly.   The camel spider got its 15 minutes of fame when it was featured in a picture with a US solder.   The picture is actually of two camel spiders and its held in front of the solder to make it look larger.   In actuality the camel spider is roughly 6”, with a leg length around 5”.   Despite rumors, they do not run 30 mph.   They top out at about 10 mph.   I have a friend who served in Iraq, and for fun they used to capture these things and pit them in fights against scorpions.   To make the fights fair, they would usually be handicap matches, 2 scorpions vs 1 camel spider.   Still, it was a shock if the spider lost.   So, the final tally is we have a spider the size of a pack of cigarettes that can run 10 mph and hunts scorpions.   I will be checking the “Afraid of Camel Spiders” box at my next psych evaluation.   Fortunately they stick to parts of the world I tend not to frequent, Northern Africa and the Middle East.

Now we come to that main event.   That’s right folks, the camel spider was just a warm up.

This friendly looking chap is the Brazilian Wandering spider.   Its considered the most venomous spider on Earth.   Now, that’s not what has me worried about this monster.   Spider venom in all honesty, isn’t that potent against most humans.   Sure, they can kill, but so can a bee, its all about the individual.   Even with the world’s most venomous spider title, its only attributed with about 5 deaths a year.   However, there are fates worse than death.   What this motherfucker’s venom does is cause extreme priapism.   While at first you might think “Hey, what’s wrong with a Viagra spider?”   Well, the effects can be so intense, that it can actually cause impotence.   That’s right folks; this boner vampire can ruin your twig and berries.

THE ANSWER:   Stay the fuck away from Brazil, the Middle East and Northern Africa.