Press Start!: Hulk Hogan, Obama, and Hardcore RPGs.
Welcome Hulkamanics, to the column that never ends! Or that’s what you’ll be saying by the end of yet another 800+ sprawling polygonal analog stick treatise monstrosity thing. This is Press Start!, the column where I give the rundown on all things video games from the past week. Actually, just five things that tickled my triggers, but what can you do. C’est la column.
Drop the stuff that you dug on this week in the comments section, and let us building a shining city on the gaming hill.
#1) Hulk Hogan Is Up In The Kinect House.
It’s a scientific fact that Hulk Hogan is one of the greatest human beings to ever tread across this fine Blue Marble Spaceship. So grand was his excellence, so concentrated was his rumbling power, that he wasn’t able to pass on any of it to his shit-eating worthless progeny. Such is the state of rocking that much.
Being a benevolent spirit, Sir Hulk the Rocking has decided to assist us plebeians in the way of raging out Hulk style. He’s decided to do this in none other than what may very well be called The Only Reason to Own the Kinect. Video games, meet Hulk Hogan’s Main Event. This Kinect game is going to teach us the way of the Hulk Force. Hopefully it’ll allow me to put my goddamn brother through a coffee table with a stunning atomic leg drop. More than likely it’ll just run me $60 plus a Kinect, and I’ll forget about it in a week.
I can’t hate. This is an opportunity to be taken under the closest thing to tutelage from the Hulkster himself. Buy it or suck, right?
#2) Squaresoft Didn’t Recognize It’s Own Fuggin’ Game.
Bankrupt and kaput developer GRIN was tasked by Squaresoft to make them some swag. Specifically a Final Fantasy spin-off called called Fortress. You can imagine that the entire thing spiraled into a state of disarray that is two-parts amusing, one-part tragic. GRIN alleges that the motherfuckers over in their Money Pit Androgynous Dungeon in Japan never paid any of the $20 million contract they had, but it gets even better.
GRIN also claims that Squaresoft didn’t even recognize their own goddamn game. After being asked to fax code to Squaresoft, GRIN knew they were snorting burning Yen or something, and tried the old switcharoo. They “sent Square Enix an image taken from Final Fantasy XII, saying it was from Fortress, to see what the company would do. Square Enix replied: ‘It does not look like Final Fantasy.'”
You’re right, FFXII didn’t look like Final Fantasy. Which is probably why it’ll be the last worthwhile thing to come out of that vomit-factory.
#3: Metal Gear, Silent Hill, and ZoE Get HD Collections.
I like me some old school Konami titles. Especially Metal Gear Solid in the house! However, I haven’t booted them up in a while. I don’t need honey-glazed lenses of nostalgia to be burned away by just how much the titles have aged. Thankfully, the boys and girls at Konami have my back. They’re issuing HD collections of MGS, Silent Hill, and Zone of the Ends. ZOE! What a glorious day for us fans of niche titles and quality mecha-tainment.
#4) Obama Is Gifted Witcher 2.
Oh shit! President Obama is rocking out with some hardcore RPG action! While he was running about those whacky European countries, the good man (or bad man, but let’s not get political here kthnx) made a pitstop in Poland. Prime Minister Donald Tusk saw fit to give Obama a copy of the game. He didn’t skimp! Obama landed the collector’s edition! Of course, the dude is gifted a PC game and he rocks out to a Mac, but what can you do. Bootcamp that pig, Obama! Bootcamp!
It’s neat to think of a country’s symbol of a pride to lay in none other than a video game. The title is also based off a line of novels from a Polish writer, Andrzej Sapkowski. So yeah! Here’s one for the power of prominence of video games!
This is ignoring the fact that Obama probably stuffed the son of a bitch into a toilet on Air Force One, but hey man. Video games.
#5) Call of Duty Gets Premium Service, We All QQ.
You knew it was coming. Call of Duty is used by countless dildos of the Universe, myself included. In a world where financial sense is the most sense, Activision was eventually going to turn this pig into some sort of premium service. Capitalism is our only God now! Muahaha! Behold Call of Duty Elite. Just the name is enough to assuredly get some fanboys worked up. Think of the connotations. Are you elite or not, jabroni! If this seems ludicrous to you, congratulations. You’re officially not a mouthbreather. Just don’t think for a second it won’t work on some.
What is Call of Duty Elite? It’s essentially a community you have to pay for. It sounds like seven shades of bullshit. I know, I know. Some of it is going to be offered for free. Just don’t expect anything dope to be offered for non-dollar-dollar-bills-yo, and dope is a relative term in this case. If I had to pay for CoD multiplayer, I may goddamn do it. I like it, I don’t have a WoW bill anymore, I am fiscally irresponsible. That is, if I didn’t have to pay for XBL, and they had never given it to me for free.
As it stands, no thanks good sirs.
There you have it! What caught your eye? Hit me.