Press Start!: Corporate Cock Slaps and Mario Trips Balls.
What’s up, fuckers! Dial up your compete level to ten and let’s get ready to fucking rock! Slap that pink polo on, scream at the stars, and as your hazy vision returns, let’s dance. This is Press Start! The column where we spank and jack and spit and vomit up five things in gaming that caught our eyes this week. I’ll show you mine, you show me yours.
#1: BioWare Developer Caught Reviewing Their Own Game.
This is a story stuffed to the brimming gullet with win. A BioWare developer was caught reviewing their own game, Dragon Age 2, on Metacritic. Already that’s pretty ballsy, since you know he had to know he would get busted. Nothing is sacred anymore, no one can hide. The sleuths of the internet illuminate anything. So Chris Hoban, posting as Avanost, reviewed his own game. But it gets better. Homeboy went out of his way to give Dragon Age 2 a 10/10, and said anything “negative you’ll see about this game is an overreaction of personal preference.”
Well done, Hoban.
Electronic Arts, not to be confused with a publisher with humility or regret, backed up their boy. A rep told Kotaku that of course “the people who make the game vote for their own game. That’s how it works in the Oscars, that’s how it works in the Grammy’s and why I’m betting that Barack Obama voted for himself in the last election.”
#2: Judge Lets Activision Sue the Fuck Out Of Electronic Arts.
The NFL and the NFLPA aren’t the only two Rich As Hell Greedy Douche Titans slugging it out currently. For those of us of the nerd proclivities, we can watch as Electronic Arts and Activision deliver bodyslams, jackknife powerbombs, and stunning reversals to one another in the courtroom.
You see, back last year Activision canned Jason West and Vince Zampella. These two duders were the sultans of the Modern Warfare franchise, having founded Infinity Ward. In other words, they governed the flagship iteration of the biggest fucking franchise in measured existence. The reasons why they were fired is dependent on who you ask. But this much is certain, since their firing, Activision has sued Electronic Arts, West, and Zampella in some bananas $400 million interference suit. I can barely speak English, can hardly write in anything, and definitely cannot comprehend legalese, so the finer details are lost on me.
I can tell you that this week, a “California Superior Court judge has given the go ahead to an Activision lawsuit brought against EA over the publisher’s hiring of Infinity Ward founders Jason West and Vince Zampella.” Activision thinks that EA totally snagged their girlfriend in West and Zampella, and the lot of them intentionally botched MW2 DLC and some other ridiculous shit.
It’s entertaining to see these two monolithic entities pulling one another’s hair and shit.
Also In The Gaming Courtroom: Sony gets access to GeoHot’s PayPal account.
#3: Super Mario Bros. Goes First Person.
First Person Mario is an animation dreamed up by Brandon Laatsch. The gorgeous early Spring breeze you may have felt on the Northeastern seaboard this afternoon was actually the thunderous thousands of geeks smacking their goo bits to the concept. It’s pretty fucking awesome. Laatsch has Mario running around the classic board, while achievements hit up the interface like a mix between Call of Duty and Bulletstorm.
Someone use their Gaming Geek Wizardy powers to make this come to life. I know you have it in you.
Also In Mario’s World: Mario goes indie flick at SXSW.
#4: Hank Chien Gets His Own Documentary.
I know, you’re bored to death with my coverage of Donkey Kong, the Donkey Kong record, and the various players that populate this subsection of the dork community. The universe within the universe. Shitty news for all unfortunate enough to stumble upon my bullshit: I’m not exhausted by it! Not one bit. The recent corny morsel of Donkey dump came out this week in the form of a trailer for a documentary about the current record holder: Hank Chien. Dude is a lovable one, even if he has an awkward laugh and he’s fucking up my Darth Vader/Luke Skywalker conceit. The conceit that I’ve traveled across many a column milking.
It’s played a couple of times in Brooklyn, and I’m hoping a wider release will increase its blast radius to the part of the Empire where people pahhhk their cahhhs.
#5: ‘Zangief Kid’ Gets Street Fighter Treatment.
By now, everyone’s seen Zangief Kid. The cherubic little fellow who, after getting tired of getting pimp-slapped by a little puke, goes bananas. Executing nothing less than a pile driver, Zangief Kid blasted his way into the hearts of the internet legion. Myself included. As a formerly obese awkward kid, the empathic tide that rolled out of me towards him was enormous. You could surf it on a board the diameter of your favorite of Saturn’s moons.
Fuck, that was a clumsy sentence.
So yeah, not only did I feel for the kid, but so did Anonymous. You know you’re rolling absolutely deep when Anonymous has your back. Invariably, the internet remixes of Zangief Kid regulating some ass came out, and my favorite was the Street Fighter spin on the whole ordeal.
That’s my life. A little sad this week, (un)inspired by fatigue and a listless week when it came to gaming. At least for me. What you feelin’?