Press Start!: Jesus Christ, Wesley Snipes, And You.

Press Start! Your one-stop shopping center for uh, nonsense? The weekly column where I drop the five things in the gaming world that caught my eyes. I’m cranking this pig out with a bit of a headache, so I apologize if its (more) slapdash (than usual.) Hit the comments box with your gaming happenings, my comrades in dual-analogs.


#1: Wesley Snipes Is Making A Video Game.
I don’t know what we’ve done as a people to deserve this karmic high-five. Sometimes you just need to accept something solid coming your way, and not question it. Wesley Snipes is many things. A felon. Blade. Willie Mays Hayes. Above all of that however, the dude is a multimedia mogul. While serving time in prison, Snipes has been working on a video game for for the iPhone and iPad. Titled Julius Styles: The International, this son of a bitch is only the beginning. Snipes is looking to parlay this son of a bitch into a movie. Down the road in 2013. When he’s let out of jail for tax evasion. The fucking fascists man, they’re holding him back from executing this grand scheme soon.

This wasn’t the only righteous moment of video game absurdity this week. We were also informed we were getting a reality show based on Pac-Man. Yup.


#2: Sony & GeoHot Prepare To Throw Down.
Last week, the big news was that the hacker GeoHot released the PlayStation 3’s root key. This week was Sony’s move, as began to take legal action against GeoHot. Speaking of the man, condemn these corporate pigs! No, but seriously. You can’t blow the PlayStation 3’s asshole wide open and not expect some sort of legal action to be thrown your way. There’s a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo being thrown around that is way over my head. Sony has released one document that contains “over 280 pages of “evidence” to provide cause for enjoining them against further hacking — said evidence consisting of full, copy-and-pasted pages from Twitter accounts, forum posts, and news stories relating to the recent discoveries of the PS3’s private and root keys.”

That doesn’t phase Geo, though! Dude knows his rights. Or should I say, he feels pretty confidently in what believes are his rights. Hot responded to Sony’s charges by saying “I would expect a company that prides itself on intellectual property to be well versed in the provisions of the law, so I am disappointed in Sony’s current action…cont…I have spoken with legal counsel and I feel comfortable that Sony’s action against me doesn’t have any basis.”

I hope you’re right, bro. You’re lucky this is Sony. If you fuck with Nintendo, they don’t press charges. Their ninjas up and kill you.


#3: EA CEO Predicts Digital Sales Surpass Retail This Year.
John Riccitiello is the CEO of Electronic Arts. So when he speaks, there are two things to consider. First, that he carries a lot of weight with his predictions. His visions have merit. However, secondly, anything he promotes is going to be heavily politicized. His visions have merit, because he has the clout to largely enact them by himself. I mean, fucking Electronic Arts. Thar be the Leviathan, no?

Riccitello was quoted in a recent interview as saying,  “At the end of [2011], the digital business is bigger than the packaged goods business, full stop. No questions in my mind. Then, you know, I think that we’ll find ways to even sell our packaged goods content in chunks and in pieces and subscriptions and micro-transactions.” When the leader of a juggernaut makes such claims, it is hard to dismiss it.

The future is going intangible, yo! It can’t be helped. That is the price or progress. Or capitalism. But not only is it going intangible, but it is going to be chopped into tiny pieces and you’re going to be nickel and dimed to death. To death. That’s just going to be the way it is. Why? Because John Riccitiello wants it that way, and he has a sledgehammer powerful enough to beat it into being.

Just today I started having an anxiety attack realizing I don’t physically own a  good portion of my music. What if society collapses! What if my hard drive crashes? I’m done! Now apply that to everything, including video games. Then there’s the whole microtransaction thing, and this article petrifies me on two fronts.

Oh Riccitiello, you fuck.


#4: Bulletstorm Teabags Halo’s Overwrought Advertising.
I’m madly in love with Bulletstorm. It hasn’t come out yet, but everything about it is right up my alley. Juvenile. Childish. Replete with half-baked sexual euphemisms and ultra-violence. I can’t get enough of it. I already thought their advertising was great with their retarded Bulletpoints bits. But they ratcheted it up with their dissing of Halo’s absurdly poignant Believe campaign. I mean, come on, Bungie. Halo is played by a bunch of mouthbreathers like me. We like farts and guns. You don’t need to market your campaign like its built on something other than a paper thin storyline.

Bulletstorm doesn’t have any pretensions, and they make it known with potty humor. If you don’t like it, I can’t blame you. You have to be someone suffering from nearly fatal arrested development like myself, to be into the scene.

But damn if I’m not going to push it on you.


#5: Super Mario Will Save Your Soul.
Bishop Paul Ojeda has concocted the winning formula for roping kids into Christianity. Nothing says snuggle on this mind-plate like throwing some Nintendo into your divinity. Nothing. This video makes me unabashedly jealous of these kids. Filmed at the Austin Power House Church’s Wii Love Jesus event, it has more fun in a Church than I experienced in the ten+ years I had to attend it, as well as all my Catholic schooling. See Mom! See Dad! See Headmaster Douchey McSnoreaton! If only you had brought Super Mario into my life, I would have been what I am now. Which is assuredly destined to burn in Hell.