‘Rampage’ Trailer: Seriously, The Rock. What the fuck are you doing?

Man. I’ve been binging 1980s action movies this year. And around the time of my twentieth or thirtieth one, I had a revelation. The Rock is goddamn wasted on all of these adaptations, franchise revivals, and fucking disaster porn spectacles. He should be mirking dudes with his biceps and boomsticks and bayonets. Smashing skulls, driving fast, ripping off one-liners. Not, Jesus fucking Christ, running around the city with his goddamn genetically engineered gorilla friend. Fighting other shitty looking monsters.

Like, what the fuck is going on. This looks so, so stupid.


When word came that Dwayne Johnson and his San Andreas team were turning the arcade game Rampage into a movie, it promised to be a bit silly, something underscored by the first look of Johnson’s Primatologist With A Grenade Launcher. And now the trailer is here and it’s… scored to the Smashing Pumpkins and clearly is taking the video game very seriously.

The plot revolves around a primatologist with a grenade launcher (Johnson) and his albino gorilla buddy George. George, who lives in the Everglades, gets exposed to some mysterious alien gas and begins growing at absurd speeds. Unfortunately, the same has also happened to a lizard and a wolf, so it’s up to Johnson and his grenade launcher to find a new ecological niche for these megafauna and integrate them into our world somehow in a sensitive drama exploring our . Nah, just kidding, he’s going to blow ’em up.

So, yeah, we are being expected to take this at least a bit seriously, although to be fair, the less-than-illustrious history of video game moviess far more absurd ideas we’re expected to take seriously. So it’s got that going for it, anyway, and we’ll see what else it’s got for us April 20th.