THIS WEEK ON True Blood: If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?

Alright, this is what I’m talking about. I dug last night’s True Blood more than I had any episode in recent memory. On a relative scale, nothing really happened.   Everything was par the True Blood course. Couples fought. Vampires fucked. Melodrama was as melodrama is. However by slowing down the episode and giving characters time to interact on a personal level, the show hit with a funny, charming episode.

In what is certain to be the thread that everyone is going to be talking about from last night’s episode, Sookie hung out with the now amnesiac Eric. I was chortling at their mishaps like the most grand of douchebags, enjoying their banter. It’s episodes like this where I don’t silently seethe, wanting to cook Sookie in a vat of oil and sell her deep-fried teeth to science. When you remove her from the endless and overwrought romantic conversations between Bill and her, she’s actually a decent comedic foil.

Plus, she ran around a lot in her waitress outfit, and despite my continual and annoying lament that she has a wailing chasm for front teeth, she has a nice little body! Oh I’m being a pig? C’mon, it’s True Blood. Fucking and Crying. That’s this show. Thankfully for everyone who digs on the Y Chromosome, Northman ran around like a waif for the entire episode. Behold, the slightly more lean but still attractive torso of everyone’s favorite Viking Vampire.

The adventures of Sookie and Daffy Eric were amusing, and it was fun to see Eric removed from his usual douchey posturing. Batting his doe eyes and walking around a carpet with muddy feet, I could also feel the genitals of his fans swell. Rage against their panties and undies a-like. It’s okay, I don’t blame you.

Meanwhile over in Mr. Bill Compton’s house, he’s totally laying pipe in the guts of that chick from Dexter. God, I wish I could remember her name. In either show. I’m usually staring at her ass. I’m such a pig,  fuck. The closest we had to one of those woeful moments or raw, Starbucks Poetry emotion was when Bill told Chick from Dexter that he couldn’t love her. He made up some garbage about needing a young heart, but the subtext was clear:

I only swoon for chicks who smell like a Hick Bar.

Still though, he taps that ass and whatever.

I have to call into Compton’s integrity. Not in who he chooses as his Rebound Fuck. Naw, that’s all good. It’s how he’s wielding his power as the King. Banishing some silly vampire to death just because he was caught eating on camera seems a bit excessive, especially for this particular character on the show.

The writers seem intent on continuing to twist the logic that Eric was the insufferable egomaniac, and Bill was the weepy guy. It began last season when Bill totally punked Eric and buried the son of a bitch in concrete, and it has been made even more literal with Eric’s amnesia and Bill’s ascension to the throne. Since I’m assuming that Bill will always return once again as a love interest for Sookie,

Twenty Junior Bacon Cheeseburger says that Bill gives some painful solliloquoy to Sookie explaining why he raped and killed and exploded a thousand vampires whilst King. It all involves doing it “for you” and “while I do not blame you for your scorn, Sookie, still I shall pine for thee and lament and cry my little vampire hemoglobin and such!”

It’s always for Sookie.

In the episode, Billy also gets to have a heart to heart with Jessica. She’s all confused because she’s only boned one dude and she can’t wait it out for him to die in seventy years before she gets with some more flesh. Compton isn’t all dickbag and tells her to tell Hoyt the truth. What he seems to forget to mention is that glamouring the person into forgiving you isn’t the most honest thing in the world.

The Jessica storyline is awesome for two reasons. First off, when I look at her my penis smiles. It then whispers to me, telling me that I can go through the television and she will be my one and only. This has yet to work, and generally I kiss my television screen while crying. It’s all terribly awkward for my Mom who watches the show with me.

The second reason is that the whole Jessica storyline seems to make the most sense. I didn’t realize that at first, figuring it to just be another extraneous storyline. That ain’t the case though. Jessica is the embodiment of teenager. Wanting to love, wanting to live, wanting to see the world. All of this is exacerbated because of that funny little blood lust and everything.

It’s the teenage conundrum of finding someone you’re totally-oh-my-god in love with, while still not old enough to be dumb enough to commit yourself to monogamy, and that irritating guilt you find at your own most base carnal desires.

That’s how I’m reading it. Of course. I’ll take care of her. If I can just get through that fucking TV.

The sidestories were their usually shade of bland. Saltine crackers, man. Witches don’t do anything for me, Jason getting fucked by an entire Yokel village is just creepy, and the Merlotte’s are apparently now in the plot from the second season of Justified.

Forget that noise though. When the subplots are taking over, do what I do. Go get a cookie and refresh your Tumblr.

Overall, the episode was all I can ask for from True Blood. It finally some character interaction. They dared to pump the brakes and little characters just  hang out, and it paid off with one of the most memorable episodes in a while.


What’d you think? Hit me.