Press Start!: Finally The Sex Game You’re Waiting For.

Oh if it ain’t Press Start! This shit is being cobbled together on the fly. I’ve spent far too much time playing Cataclysm this week, and far too little writing a thesis I need to. So now with my asshole facing the sawing bladeknife of doom, there is a bit of a frantic pace to my existence. Press Start!, the gaming column where I tell you five things that caught my eye this week. Nothing really tickled my ass this week. There’s hundreds of gaming news articles, but shit I’m interested in? Eh.

Disagree? Good. Hit the comments box with what excited you.


#1: Blizzard Confirms Existence Of Their Next MMO.
Cataclysm dropped last week, and I’ve only logged something like six hours into it. If you knew anything about my past WoW playing days, you’d know this is somewhat remarkable. For some strange reason, I’ve managed to not neglect my girlfriend, Saturday evenings with friends, or homework. This can only mean one thing: there’s something afoot. While I dig Cataclysm, it’s not relentlessly pounding my prostrate to a fluid-covered state of glee like prior expansion packs.

So!, I was pretty stoked when Blizzard’s Frank Pearce confirmed the existence of their next MMO. The confirmation comes from a leaked Blizzard release schedule which bore the ominous title ‘Titan.’ Last week at the VGAs, WoW producer Frank Pearce confirmed that ‘Titan was the real deal Holyfield. Sadly? Shit is far, far out. Like, 2014 or some shit.

By then I’ll have a kid, gray hairs, a peg-leg, and four teeth. Dentists are for losers, and the fluoridation in the water is mind control! I only brush my teeth with my own urine. The thought police. They lurk. Beware.


#2: Uncharted 3 Debut Makes My Balls Hurt.
Uncharted 3 was revealed last week at the Spike VGAs. Did you watch that shit? It was horrible. I didn’t spend much time watching it, just flipping to it between periods of the local frozen ice and blade-skates team. Sadly they weren’t doing much better, so I was a pile of bitterness and vitriol. As an aside, Olivia Munn sucks. She’s a tourist into the gaming industry, making geeks horny and wank to her awful “literature” and Maxim photo shoots.

I actually think she’s hot as fuck, but she’s fraudulent, man. Fraudulent.

Anyways! The entire thing was salvaged by the Uncharted 3 reveal. Unfathomable awesomeness pouring out of my television. If you don’t like Uncharted, I weep for you. It’s not the most intellectually stimulating game. But if you want to rock out pretentious, go back to fingering Limbo’s artistic merit. Sometimes I just want amazing action sequences and fucking filthy graphics.

It was a good week for gaming reveals all around. Mass Effect 3 also got a reveal trailer at the VGAs. And god damn, if I don’t like me some Mass Effect. Later on in the week, Capcom revealed the cinematic trailer for Marvel Vs Capcom 3. It promptly blew my pants clean off my body. They were evaporated. I was like that guy in the commercials for the cassette tapes or whatever. You know, he’s sitting in a chair holding on for dear life because the awesomeness of the sound fidelity or some shit is unbearable.

That was me.


#3: Super Mario Brothers Go Grand Theft Auto.
How do you feel about machinima? I usually don’t give a shit about it. I didn’t like Red vs Blue. Sorry! However this one was brought to my attention, and it’s fantastic. To the point where I actually watched the whole thing as opposed to lazily listening to it play while I refreshed the same nineteen websites in separate tabs. It’s Super Mario Brothers done up in the Grand Theft Auto world, and it’s fantastic. Powered by the GTAIV engine, it’s Luigi and Mario gone straight out fucking thuggin’.

It’s my geek work of outrageous talent of the week.


#4: Dreamcast Collection Confirmed. Esoteric Gamers Orgasm With Me!
This week we finally got the goddamn confirmation we were awaiting: there truly does exist a Dreamcast collection, and it is hitting the shelves next February. Did you own a Dreamcast? Hell yes I did! I actually had a Japanese one with Sonic Adventure. I didn’t understand a fucking lick of what I was playing, but I loved every second of it. Dreamcast didn’t get the pop it deserved. This probably had to do with the fact that it came out quickly, and in the middle of the original PlayStation still lighting up gamers’ asses with righteous fury.

But Soul Calibur? Power Stone? Marvel vs Capcom 2 hitting way before any other console? Yes please.

I look forward to the eventual nerd raging when Sega finally unveils the line-up for the collection. What do you mean there’s no Sama De Mayo with maracas? Where the fuck is Chu Chu Rocket? But I wanted to play Space Channel 5 like woah! Expect Crazzzzy Taxi and Sonic Adventure a-go-go, boys and girls.


#5: Sex Game Developer ThriXXX Has The Kinect Hack You Want.
We’ve seen a lot of dope Kinect hacks arise. The self-guiding flying machine of death. The real-time lightsaber rendering. But we’re all friends here, let’s be honest. We were waiting for the Kinect to be used for the powers of tits and ass. Our prayers have been answered. It’s a genuine Christmas miracle. Sex game developer ThriXXX has developed a hack that allows you to rub virtual tits, asses, and I’m assuming a lot, lot more. Finally. There’s nothing like a lonely night of rubbing the air, and having it translate to your filthy pervert hand groping some virtual mammary on the screen.

This is the future. Be horrified. Be honored to live in it.

ThriXXX doesn’t want to stop just there. They want to allow for full body scanning. Rejoice! Sometime in the near future the Kinect will be able to read that you’re fucking the air doggystyle. It’ll then translate that to some sort of banging. Maybe it’ll go so far as to be able to translate your pointless ejaculation into a money shot on your virtual girl or guy of choice.

That’s it. I’m out. What caught your eye? Hit me.