The Walking Dead Finale Sucked. It Sucked So Much.

Oh boy. It’s been a good amount of time since I got good and lathered up. My balls are greased with my own fanboy rage, and those testicles are tethered to high-voltage. Let me tell you something. The Walking Dead finale was fucking putrid. If a dog could shit, eat its own shit, puke out that shit, then eat the puke, then finally shit out the puke-shit, that’s what we’re talking here. Let’s ignore the fact that the prior two episodes sucked a lot too, and just focus on the finale. Wow. Woah. Wow-woah. A tin can of shitty shit. No wonder the writers were fucking fired, no matter what sort of spin they put on it.

Before I fucking lose my mind, a few things. First off, I’m still excited for this show. Why, Ian? Here’s fucking why! The first two episodes were fucking brilliant television. Frank Darabont is still running the show, and he just fired the entire fucking writing staff. So there’s potential. We’ve already seen how fucking excellent it can be. But Jesus Fucking On The Cross, have we seen how low it can go as well.

Rubicon gets canceled, and this banal, poorly written shit draws 8.1 million viewers.

Good lord.

Hey, We’re All Fucking Idiots!
First off, everyone in the finale is a fucking idiot. All the characters are turned into retarded empty vessels for exposition. They all stand around in that fucking retarded command center and ask ridiculous questions. Jenner or whatever the fuck his name is doesn’t just explain everything. Instead he waits for someone to ask an insipid question, and then continues to elaborate.

Also!, they’re all fucking assholes. They get all up in his face. Where is everyone! It’s the fucking zombie apocalypse, you assholes! You have to know something, Jenner! It’s the fucking zombie apocalypse, you assholes! What do you mean there’s no one left? It’s the fucking zombie apocalypse, you assholes!

But seriously, their emptiness doesn’t stop there. How many fucking times does Jenner have to explain to them that the place is running out of power! “What do you mean the lights are going off?” “Why are these fucking barrels of fuel empty?” Seriously. Everyone in the episode turned into belligerent, unbearable assholes. Poor writing is using characters as conduits for exposition and completely shedding them of any personality traits.

If You Love Someone You Don’t Rape Them. I’m Pretty Sure.
The best part of the episode is the opening where they cut to Shane trying to save Rick as the world falls apart. Fast forward about twenty minutes and he’s trying to finger-rape the wife of his best friend. Now, why exactly did they try and humanize him at the beginning of the episode just to make him a fucking rapist? Oh he’s drunk? Yeah, that’ll pass in court. Oh he’s upset? Yeah, okay. Don’t give me that “he’s a complicated character” bullshit. That’s not building a complicated character, that’s building a bipolar sociopathic rapist.

Let’s All Sit In The Showers Like Fucking Idiots
How lame was this scene? They use the excuse of hot water to totally reveal! the inner workings of everyone’s psyche. That’s why Glenn and T-Dog were erotically rubbing themselves. That’s why that Fucking Annoying Blond Chick was sitting in the shower. How hilarious retarded was that? It’s something out of a Lifetime movie. And finally there’s Shane getting totally plastered man! cause he’s fucking distraught.


Seriously You’re Going Freshmen Philosophy?
The bantering about hope was fucking dreadful. I understand that these people are trying to eek out an existence within some pretty bleak shit. Got it. In fact, I would argue this struggle is one of the reasons that the show is so appealing. But man, you have to be more effective in getting this point across. Did George Lucas pen this dialogue? It was so fucking flagrant, man. If you’re going to approach it with no skill, just have captions at the bottom of the screen that spell out the themes.

“Rick totally believes in hope.”

Instead you have shit like Jenner vomiting “Just give into the bleakness of existence. Allow our annoying Computer Thing to expunge us in a momentary inferno. Nothingness is neither good nor bad.”

And then Rick is like “No! We will totally find hope somewhere! The human spirit will prevail! So long as a morsel of hope resides within the shit nugget of this world, I will carry on! Despair be damned!”

Good lord. And don’t forget the fucking amazing environmentalist potshot they take at fossil fuels. Stellar. Interstellar even.

Finally, This Episode Was Pointless.
The season finale of this show was pointless. It was a filler episode. It did nothing, achieved nothing. Shane tries to rape Lori, they meet an annoying ass scientist who gives way too much information on the virus itself. Then they blow everything up and they’re on their way. To where!? Maybe Paris! Ha! Get it, the French were the last to hold out hope and persist! That’s totally ironic because our culture shits on them!


So we have easily the most dreadful episode of the season. With the most empty characters, serving as nothing more than means of exposition and bullshit philosophy. And not only that, but it’s the season finale. Fantastic. I haven’t given up on this show, but good fucking god damn, they need to get their act together. Even True Blood lasted a season before it became this sort of weepy, sloppy, shitty-dialogued bullshit.

The Walking Dead finale sucked.