Press Start!: Nothing Says Gamers Like Sex Toys

It’s that time of the week again! Slightly past noon on a Friday. Deadline staring me in the eyes. When I have to knuckle down, and vomit up, Press Start! What’s Press Start, you ask? Well, aside from an excuse to make childish references to sexual positions and attractive clusters of polygons? It’s the column that drops every Friday, detailing the five things that caught my eye in the world of gaming this week. Standard rules apply: list ain’t in any particular order of importance or relevance, and may result in a declining moral standard for my generation. As always, I encourage you to drop your gaming happenings in the comments box.

#1: My Prayers Are Answered: Wii Sex Toys Arrive
Sex toys and the Wii seem like fucking peas and carrots. The Wiimote looks like a god damn phallus that you constantly wave around. But despite my patience and prayer, I have been kept waiting. I didn’t understand. Why did the iPod get a sex toy, and not the Wii? Why couldn’t I finally put a god damn Wiimote in my pants and get down? Why did the lord hate me? Well this week, god dammit, it happened: Wii-based sex toys.

There’s a small caveat: you don’t actually need a Wii to use these sex toys. But!, they use the Wiimote, so it sort of counts.

How does it work, Ian? I’ll fucking tell you!

The device is connected to an accessory port on the Wiimote, which then connects to a Blue-tooth enables PC. And then we party “using Mojowijo’s patent pending  Motion2Vibration  technology, the device is able to transform the varying motions of the control into appropriate vibration signals and send them to another selected device.”

So in other words, I turn my Wiimote, and it reacts to the other sex toy across the room, globe, internet, cosmos. It sounds a lot like mutual masturbation in the modern world. If you’re sequestered from your loved one, or uh, booty call, this allows you to manipulate their genitals holding something that looks like a torture rack device. Nothing screams “pleasure” like “I’m turning my crab-like device, can you feel the sensory feedback in your mush parts?!”

Modern love, yo. It’s glorious.


#2: Be A Dickbag And Buy A $435 Mario Sweater
Oh to be rich! I would buy dope ass clothing like this all the time. You know, $435 for a sweater? Pshaw, ain’t no problem! I spent that shit on Microsoft Points last week just to cheese up my GamerScore with popcorn games! God damn I wish I was cool and rich and not covered in saltine crumbs and tears. To sleep, perchance to dream!

These sweaters are from the online store of Shigesato Itoi. You may know Itoi, the dude was the creator of Earthbound. The game being a seminal piece of Dork Masturbation for gamers of my age. You know, a quirky RPG with a sequel that never came out over here and shit. It’s like, a recipie for geek lore.

Well now the dude takes his game up a notch by offering these sweaters. Knowing myself, even if I got one of these, I’d do it a simple injustice. I can’t eat popcorn without wearing it, and if I’m eating some sort of sauce, it’s down my shirt. I ain’t a slob, I’m just clumsy. That’s what I tell myself. I’m a refined gentleman in the body of an oaf. God dammit!

If you’re rich, and you can pull off looking dope, I suggest you buy one of these. Take a picture, and send it to me. I’m going to use it as my Facebook profile pic.


#3: Microsoft Executes Fanboy Rape, Raising Live Cost By $10
I was pretty stoked last week when Microsoft announced that they were going to improve the voice chat quality on Xbox Live. I mean, nothing says “Gaming Fun” like having a twelve year-old calling me a “Dick sucking idiot” while he schools my fat old ass in Modern Warfare 2. It does a ton for my various psychological problems. And with that in mind, what could be more fun, other than having it comes through in a much higher quality chat?


What I didn’t realize is that the rise in voice chat quality was going to be followed the next week by a fucking ten-dollar increase in Xbox Live. Now, listen. I know it’s a raise to the premium Gold service. And that you can get Silver for free. But let’s be honest about nothings. You need Gold to play online with people, and therein lies the rub. Ain’t no one going to downgrade to Silver over the price increase if they’re serious online gamers on the Xbox. Even my pathetic, talentless ass is addicted to multiplayer.

I’m feigning the obvious connection between voice chat quality and the price increase. What the obvious connection is, is that Microsoft knows it can ass-charge a lot of gamers, and god, making $10 off all of us is a ridiculous amount of cheddar. I lament, yet I acquiesce. I am a part of the problem, as usual. Some shit never changes.

I really love on Live!, so I’m wont to continue using it. I love the integration of it into the system’s UI, in stark contrast to that of the PSN. When I log onto PS3, I feel like I’m floating in an ethereal cloud of quasi-sleekness. Xbox Live? I feel like I’m warmly ensconced in a community of fellow unwashed perma-juveniles! They welcome me! So warmly!


#4: iPhone Games Just Got [Un]Real, As Epic Engine Hits the iPhone
The dude behind Gears of War, Dude Huge, and the Unreal Engine are storming the motherfuckin’ iPhone. The engine, which powers something like (I’m making this up) 750% of the games out these, is some serious legit shit. Seriously though, the list is enormous. It makes everyone looked jacked as fuck, and everything shimmers with a certain typical sex-osity. Sure, it makes some games look highly derivative of one another, but this is the point I’m trying to chortle out: it’s a legit engine, and it’s coming to the iPhone.

The revelation was dropped as this week’s Cult of the Appledouchenozzle Summit, along with the iPoon Nano or whatever. And since I just bought an iPhone 4 (death grip is real, yo), it was the only news coming out of it that I gave two fucks about. I mean, I’ve never been a gamer on an iPhone. Or any mobile device for that matter. From the Nintendo DS to the PSP, to whatever. I need the huge screen and the 5.1 system that I can feel breaking down my testicles at a sonic level. A deep sterilizing bass chord every few minutes. But still, this is huge.

It’s a real, ass-kicking engine, coming to the mobile market. I don’t know if its enough to get me to play games on my iPhone, but it makes the entire premise ring a bit more true for me now. A real engine? Maybe now some real games? G’damn.


#5: PS3 Jailbreak Code Hits the Internet; Hackers Get Grillin’!
Things have been crazy over the past few weeks as an Australian retailer has debuted a working PS3 modchip. Sony was all like “Fuck you, don’t sell them” and understandably took them to court. They were granted a temporary injunction and what followed as a vomit-inducing amount of legalese that my fat brainstem can’t process.

Things got fucking real today though. The code for the modchip? It’s now on the interwebs. Open-sourced jailbreaking fury now seems to be imminent. How the hell is Sony going to stop millions of hackers who are intent on modifying, improving, refining the code? And then uploading it? They can’t, yo. It’s sort of insane, and I’m looking forward to see what is going to be done with it.

With a legal case that now seems perfunctory at best, this beast has rambled onto the court and is going to start felling fools.

Exciting times, frreal.


What caught the eyes of you, Legions of the Control Pad? Hit me.