Variant Covers: Golden Age Bulletproof Gorillas

Welcome to Variant Covers! Your go-to for blathering about weekly comic releases. Forsooth! Apologies for bringing you this worthless slap-dab piece of bologna on a Wednesday! I encountered difficulties yesterday that I could not foresee. Sometimes a man must storm a bingo game armed only with a kabuki mask and genitals slathered in toothpaste. And sometimes that man must be screaming at the top of his lungs that the “Menthol burns so well” and that his “Seed can rejuvenate the most lost one here!” And apparently that results in getting arrested. Land of the free my ass.


The Bulletproof Coffin #2
Did you check out the first Bulletproof Coffin when it dropped? Yes? Well, then you are a superior organic being! I did not. I did not hear about it until a generous reader of this column decided to eradicate the clouds of my dumb-assery with the bright beams of illumination. Plato’s Cave and all that shit! And sadly, even if I had known about it, my comic book shop wouldn’t have carried it. You see, this comic book is by Image, doesn’t feature modern day superhero theatrics, and is really, really, weird.

If you’re like me!, hop over to a fucking free digital copy of the first issue here.

Being only two issues deep, I’m not particularly certain what the whole jib-jab is about yet. The first issue had a good butt-load of things going on. And we’re talking like, the butt-load of an enormous ass. Cavernous. Cottage-cheesed out like you wouldn’t believe.

On the surface, the comic book is about a dude named Steve, who cleans out dead people’s houses. One day he comes across a house filled with ridiculous Golden Age nostalgia, featuring issues of comic books that went past what he thought were their last issues. Taking the shiznit home, he reads the comic, put out by Golden Nugget, which was put out of business by Big 2. After which, he fiddled around with the dead dude’s television, only to watch what he thinks is the dude’s death.

It’s complicated. I’m not going it justice. But I promise, it’s fantastic.

So on one level we have an exploration of the comic book industry, and the death of the Golden Age. Major props for Steve commenting on how much he hated “Z-Men: The Final Meltdown.” Weaving through it, we seem to be getting an exploration of Steve’s life, as he returns to his mundane existence with family and children, only to hide in the attic in bask in his past. It’s the sort of archetypal story of Golden Pasts and Disappointing Futures that I’ve come to love.

And? It’s really, really odd. Buy it. You’ll love it.


Superman #701
This week, J. Michael comes aboard the Superman train. And coming aboard what he calls his “dream job” or something and such, he’s bringing the heat! Yessir, we’re going to be getting what we’ve wanted finally in a Superman book: walking. Uh. Wait? What?



J. Michael has Superman walking cross-country in “Grounded”, which is apparently a twelve-issue storyline. Oh good lord. Seriously? I can respect the idea, which is to have Superman connect with his human side and get to know people and the like. However. However! Grant Morrison wrote the most human Superman in years in his run on All-Star, and he did it while having the Man of Heat Vision performing some absolutely ridiculous feats.

There’s a way to intertwine the two worlds, without having to take twelve-issues to have him walking across country.

That said, maybe it’ll be good. Who knows! This fence I’m sitting on?! It’s so comfortable!


You need to pony up a few extra spacebucks for this son of a bitch, but I’m going to recommend it. I hadn’t heard of Matt Kindt before press for Revolver started. That’s because I’m a douchebag sequestered in the usual stream of websites, failing to branch out! But I’m trying!


Revolver is a graphic novel that is going to run you twelve-bucks. But for those twelve-bucks or so, you’re going to get some pretty awesome narrative. The story is centered around a character named Sam, who is in a bit of a predicament. Every time the clock strikes 11:11, he is shuttled between two distinctly different realities. One in which he has a humdrum life, and the other in some sort of desolated wasteland filled with danger and horror everywhere.

The juxtaposition between the mundane and the extreme seems interesting, and I, for one, am going to use all the galactic credits it takes to purchase this pig. The use of a revolving mechanism to separate the two worlds is a unique way to deconstruct what is the tediousness of life identity.

It’s one of my more anticipated comic books in a while. Or sorry, graphic novels.


Gorilla Man #1
Atlas has been canceled, but the Gorilla Man lives on! I’m one of the douchebags who is responsible for the cancellation, having never read it despite hearing tidal waves of praise for it. I fail. I fail hard, and then I stub my toe. And bang my head. And right around that point I get that longing in my loins for some good ole fashioned bingo infiltration. Those sassy old ladies. All flush with excitement. Just begging me. Begging me to party with them.

But I’m going to redeem myself, god dammit. I’m going to read the Gorilla Man mini-series by Atlas’ writer Jeff Parker. Parker dude, I am sorry I have failed you. I’ve always been upfront about myself: despite my best intentions, I’m typically part of the problem. And for that I apologize.

Buy this comic book. It features a god damn ape with chicks all around him, wearing a tuxedo. Or something.

That about does it. I tried to stay away from obvious picks this week, and head in a more interesting direction, Clark Kent excluded. There’s your usual capes and lasers comics, and I’ll be in line buying those. Once bail is posted and this misunderstanding is cleared up.

Fucking fascists.