This is Press Start!, the only weekly column guaranteed to feature my dumb ass sprawling on, and on, and on about the past seven days in gaming. I mash the sumbitch together in a chintzy Top 5 list, and then solicit you to share everything I missed. It’s a square deal, man. Or woman. People! Humans! Sentient electronics. Everything-one-stuff is welcome. Let’s party.
#1: Microsoft Getting Rid Of Their Virtual Currency. Fuck You, Gates.
Intellectually, I know that Bill Gates doesn’t run Microsoft anymore. He’s too busy (obviously) building his space colony on Mars. There him and the rest of the Illuminati will control our destiny before culling the majority of us and using the rest of us as feed-stock and slave labor. However it still feels good to kick him in the proverbial jimmy for every Microsoft ill. So fuck you, Bill Gates! Fuck you for Microsoft points. Thank God they’re going to be phased out. Forcing our asses to buy $5 in space points every time we want to snag a $1 equivalent avatar item – shut up, I need my Mass Effect gear – was wallet banging and I didn’t appreciate it. No sir. So while it may seem a bit trifling of an issue to some, I did a genuine fist-pump when they announced this.
Then I remembered I’m in line to till the Plutonium fields on Mars in twenty years once Billy and the New World Order unleash their master eugenics plan. What can you do, eh?
#2: Resident Evil 6 To Feature Man-On-Man Plowing; Zombies.
Technically this shit was announced last week, but I was busy blathering about the Super FX Chip. Capcom has announced that Resident Evil 6 is dropping this year, and it’s going to feature the mother of all team-ups. Leon Kennedy and Chris Redfield! Cyeah, boi! I’m really desperately hoping that they flood this installment of the game with an unprecedented amount of homoerotic posturing. We’re talking way, way more than the Fast and the Furious franchise. We’re talking Rocky III levels. In-between stern Bro Looks and standing arm-locks, Leon and Chris get each other’s back and shoot a lot of death out of their metallic phalluses. (Yes I know they’re not going to be co-op partners, but maybe they’ll meet in Act 5 and provide my dreams with solidity.) In addition to my hope there’s a pretty fucking awesome trailer, and some co-op details.
My body is ready.
#3: Blizzard Has Week Of Failure, My Fanboy Ass Is Lost.
Blizzard. Blizzard owns a good amount of the children in my testicles. They are consistently spilled over their products, splashing over keyboard keys and packaging alike. Or should I say were consistently. These days shit is rough!, rough man. All I want more than anything is to open my chasm to the glory of El Diablo Trey, which in French translates to Diablo III Wonder-Time. Last week it was announced that they were gutting the fuck out of Diablo III’s core systems. Alright, whatever. Maybe that means they’re simplifying it. Then this week with the subtlety of a jimmy-thwack the news dropped that the game’s senior producer quit. I am Caffeine Powered’s concern for this game. I give him agita and make him more deeply tongue-kiss his Sarah Kerrigan plushie while dreaming of better days. As well, not that I would attend but the company isn’t even holding a Blizzcon. Which translates to “we don’t have shit to show you, fanboys and fangirls. Dig deeper into your bunker and pray for us.”
#4: Dude Plays Himself In Street Fighter
File this under the: useless but still pretty swank category. Dude plays himself in Street Fighter III: Thunder Smash or whatever. Note that each individual hand of his has more talent than my two combined. Over years of excessive masturbation, my fingers have been infiltrated by an unforgiving arthritis that can only be counteracted by speech-to-text programs and vicarious enjoyment of video games through adolescents that I pay to play games of Modern Warfare 3 for me while swearing an unforgiving amount. I tell myself I’m doing a community good by providing them with an allowance of sorts and a safe haven away from the school yards and the local bowling alleys. It’s all for the community. I promise.
…What the fuck am I even saying?
#5: Nintendo Posts First Fiscal Loss In Thirty Years.
Nintendo is eating an enormous fiscal loss this year. It ain’t just a loss though. No indeedly, it is not. It’s a loss that’s far more significant than the initial one they had forecast. How big? Oh something like 40 billion yen. That sort of loss. It’s also their first loss in 30 years. That’s fucking insane. Took me by surprise. For some reason I had imagined them eating losses during the N64 days. While Konami and Squaresoft and Capcom were rolling deep with Sony, Nintendo was like “Hey, cartridges are awesome!” and no one really gave a fuck. I underestimated the power of the handheld. Never again! Never. Again.
But yeah, they’re posting a loss. Good. Fuck them. The Wii-U is an iPad controller. The Nintendo 3DS has a decent line-up that’s hinged on a shitty gimmick, and so while I’d love to rock out to Super Mario World Land Universe or whatever, I’m not snagging an overpriced (yes I know the cost came down) gimmicky handheld to do so.
Taste the bitter ashes of mortality, Nintendo. May it help you get back on your game.
What caught your eyes this week? Hit me.