We’ve Seen The ‘Dark Knight Rises’ Prologue. Heavy Breathing, Hurting Groins.The Glory.
It’s a beautiful world sometimes. Tonight the Rendar and myself swung into a sneak preview of the Dark Knight Rises prologue that’s set to run before Mission Impossible: Phoenix Wunderblast. Previewed that shit for free at the local IMAX duplex and they even threw in a t-shirt. The Lords of Kobol have chosen to smile, and I’ve nuzzled my face in their glowing bosoms.
My brain is a messy scattershot of images, as the riddled fanboy synapses refuse to fire in any sort of coherent manner. I’m a fanboy, k? So drink that down and acknowledge it while I blather. It’s worth starting with Bane, since he’s the crux of the movie. The centerpiece of speculation, the cause for concern with his ridiculous mask and his swanky Russian fur coat. Allow me to assuage your geeky gripes: the dude works. Slathered across an IMAX screen his mask doesn’t come off the crunchy cornball nonsense that I had taken it for prior to. He’s an imposing motherfucker, and lord I can’t wait to watch his thick-veined biceps smash Wayne’s skull into mush.
Speaking of IMAX, the entire preview is projected in its glory. It’s so visually delicious I sat with my mouth agape, fighting the urge to either cry, giggle, or giggle as tears of glory fall into my mouth. To be fair it’s the end of a long semester and I almost broke down in the shower this morning when I realized I only had to struggle through a week of classes, tutoring, TAing, and finals before I could sit and finger blast myself while playing Skyrim for a month. But I imagine it would have the effect anyways, so that’s neither here nor there.
So what exactly happens in the trailer? It’s hard to describe for a couple of reasons. First, it’s almost impossible to convey how visually stunning the entire experience is. Nolan can make a Jeep plowing through amber fields of grain (no seriously) look fucking stunning, and he can absolutely make a mid-air heist between two commercial jets while gun play erupts in one of them kick you in whatever sort of pink mushy genitals you possess while you writhe and beg for more. More than anything, I can’t believe how pretty every shot is. Whether it’s Bane black-bagged in an obvious reference to rendition flights, or watching as one commercial jet shears the other one to pieces.
The other reason its so difficult to explain is that the entire sequence is so…obviously a part of a larger mystery that it’s hard to put it into context. The dude who plays Littlefinger from Game of Thrones thinks he’s snagging some doctor who they want for something, but instead they come upon Bane and his sprawling latissimus muscles. Bane and his boys make reference to the fire rising (a call back to viral marketing from earlier this year), put some whup-ass down, and then they get the doctor to give some guy blood..or..yeah, see it’s failing.
(And if you do know, please don’t spoil it here.)
After the prologue ended, what followed was a montage of the Batman with some uber-gun, the fucking Batplanething, Selina Kyle, insane Braveheart type actions sequences, and, and, and. Just go see that shit!
Shit ended before it began and I sat there a flabbergasted mess. Rendar smiled, I smiled, the two of us innocently checked each other for boners, and then we waited to leave the theater. I haven’t been this stoked for anything Geeky since perhaps Inception. It feels good to be so fucking pumped. The crowd at the theater was simarily throttled, and there was a palpable pulsing of our Comic Nerd G-Spots. There isn’t much more I can smush into words. If you were next to me there could be a more accurate description of my feelings via a series of pelvic thrusts, fist pumps, and some mildly effeminate yelping. Fuck yes. I have to go once again introduce myself to the academic grind, but I’m bolstered by a Batman Boner Buff, which happily makes me impervious to the general sense of malaise the entire enterprise usually leaves me with.
July 20, 2012. Hell yeah.