An American in Canada: Candy!

[In an attempt to expand his insular perspective, Rendar Frankenstein became An American in Canada! Join Rendar as he tells of the wonders encountered while traveling through North America’s most jovial nation. It’s one-third travel guide and three-fourths misguided interpretation!]

The urge to fill our gullets with sugar is a human condition, not a national one. Therefore, unless you were raised in the sullen ghettos of Dentalvania, chances’re pretty good that you like candy. With that being said, every country has its specialties, its own interpretations as to how one should simultaneously excite the taste buds and destroy the teeth.

Canada is no exception.

I present, for your informational consumption, three of Canada’s tastiest candy-treats: Smarties, Mr. Big, and Wunderbar.

Now, if you’re visiting this website from America, you’ve probably come across some sugar-wafers that come in rolls and are called Smarties. I like `em, they’re good enough. But if those’re what you’re thinking off, shake your mind-slate clean, for they are not the same Smarties that Canadians devour.

The Smarties of Canadian lore are small, circular disks of milk chocolate. Additionally, the candies are covered in sugar shells of a multicolored variety. The result is an easily transportable, visually-appealing, tasty treat that dissolves on your tongue instead in your palm.

Unlike anything in the United States.

Seriously though, I think that Smarties have the edge over M&Ms. Why is that? Well there’s no writing on Smarties whereas M&Ms have tiny little Ms painted on, probably with a chemical that the government uses to sneak nano-RFID chips into our bloodstreams, thereby creating a country of consumer-junkie neo-void drone-slaves!

What’s that, you’re wondering how I get to write for this website when I’m so clearly a lunatic!? Oh that’s easy – I helped found the site! BWAHAHA! (Seriously though, we appreciate the patronage.)

Up next is the ever-powerful Mr. Big. Again, there’re no shortage of entities referred to as “Mr. Big.” If you’re from Japan, you’ve probably headbanged with Mr. Big. If you’re a vapid female, you’ve probably swooned over Mr. Big. And if you’re Ron Jeremy, then you can’t walk by a mirror without seeing Mr. Big.

Cheap joke, I know.

Anyways, the Mr. Big candy bar is a crispy wafer that’s covered in caramel and peanuts, and then completely coated in chocolate. Moreover, the purchase I made for this sampling gave me two Mr. Big bars, challenging me to get both in my guts before tapping out! Hell, that’s a feat that I’ve only seen attempted in the videotapes my dad keeps his sock drawer!

Again, another cheap joke.

The last obstacle in this international candy crash course is the Wunderbar. Truthfully, I was first drawn to this bar because it reminded of the scene in Inglorious Basterds when everything goes to hell. Luckily, it ended up being muy deliciosa.

The Wunderbar, in my humble estimation, is like a Butterfinger that decided to start doin’ `roids and pumpin’ iron instead of sittin’ around drinkin’ beers and chasin’ girls. There’s the Butterfingerish core, but there’s also an onslaught of caramel and some auxiliary peanut matter. This is the exact tool to bring to work if you want to kill your peanut-allergic coworker.

After eating all of this incredible candy, I now feel like I’m going to die. Death by Smarties, Mr. Big, and Wunderbar is what the coroner will scribble on my death certificate. Unless, of course, I can convince a friendly Canuck to drive me to the hospital for some of that socialized medicine!