THIS WEEK ON Dexter: This is the Way the World Ends

It only took nearly twelve episodes, but something dope finally happened on Dexter. As the door swung shut on the season the writers decided to throw us starving wolves a grizzled piece of meat to gnash our teeth on for ten months or so. It only took nearly twelve episodes, but the writers have delivered a trajectory for the final two seasons. Incestuous complications and abject horrifying revelations await those of us who will return from this season – an exercise in apathy – and hope for greener pastures as the Bay Harbor Butcher and his brother-lusting sister complete their journey through the wilds of Miami Metro.

Nearly twelve episodes of LaGuerta running her mouth. God even her voice makes my balls shrink, clamoring to crawl inside my guts and hide from the She-Beast with the thick makeup. One conniving lady pulling stunts, making moves. Ensuring that all competition is obliterating in the wake of her considerably mammoth ass, cutting a swath through the ranks. Guy from the Married With Children rip-off can attest to her unerring ferocity. Now she is running the gang and god knows what will happen to them. They are under the complete tyranny of the greasy-fingered gavel of a woman drunk on bitchiness and power.

Nearly twelve episodes of Quinn being a freewheeling douchebag spiraling out of control. My lord, did our favorite Pock Marked Alcoholic learn anything this season? How to plow older women and be that guy  pretty much everywhere he went. That guy  at the bar. That guy  at the strip guy. That guy  almost getting Angel murdered. Speaking of Angel, he was in this season, right? I remember his long legged sister. The one who watched Harrison and lives in Dexter’s adjoining apartment. Doesn’t? Does she? Christ this show is so opaque. But Angel man, what the fuck happened to him this season?

Nearly twelve episodes of Colin Hanks as Travis The Wonky Killer making his I’m Stern and Sick Minded! face continuously and rubbing on Edward James Olmos’ nipples between takes. Hoping to absorb some of Billy Adama’s acting chops and praying everyone doesn’t realize he’s the guy from Orange Country. The Doughboy Killer who really didn’t do much besides set the table for fourth-grade discussions of Good and Evil. Painted a lot of dumb shit, hid a guy in the freezer. The final scene where he blathered on, and on, and on with Dexter about the necessity of Darkness to bring Light into the world had me barfing not once, not twice, but three times into my lap. The sort of deep-but-not-really-deep pontificating that has been done better by half a dozen Christian philosophers while defending their faith, and others more recently. I’m looking at you,  Fyodor.

Nearly twelve episodes of Deb going down the Sopranos route and suffering insufferable psychoanalysis at the hands of the Dr. Melfi throwaway. Then Jesus fucking Christ  plunging into a pseudo-incestuous nonsense over her brother. Like, really? What is this gobbledygook? I’m fine with a little incestual tension when it’s done right. Case in point: the Lannisters sowing seed within their own lands like they don’t own the entire kingdom. Cersei has enough of her family’s DNA in that chasm of hers to raise a second Lannister army. Deb though? What the fuck. I know they’re wanting to drive up the emotional relevancy of the reveal of Dexter’s more choice habits to Deb, but this was the only way they could swing it?

Nearly twelve episodes of Dexter just being a generally shitty dude. Dexter fucking sucks. He’s a shitbag. Let me count the ways. He goes about murdering people for almost nothing these days, or when he’s feeling particularly bored when they’re completely innocent. He’s an absentee Dad who then dares to blather in monologues about how Harrison is his one and only. The guy treats his kid like a game of fucking Hot Potato. He consistently impedes police investigations and costs lives. At some point in the show Dexter went from hunting the people that fell through the cracks  like a Blood Soaked Batman to continuously thwarting police cases to sate his own blood lust. Fuck that guy. That’s when he hasn’t been running around like a complete fucking amateur. Sending video identifying himself to cell phone of killer? Check. Running around in broad daylight? Check. Get poisoned and then attempt to murder a bro? Check.

Never mind the ultimate douche move: instead of leaving Travis so his sister can solve a case, he drags him off to the fucking Church. Why would you ever take him to a place that’s still under investigation? Sad, sloppy, blown-out. Not my preferred porn star labia status, rather the writing on this show.  Not the only leap of logic dumb ass forced mechanism to creation tension of the episode though: Deb calls Dexter to spew about Travis not being done with his killings only to get him out of the room long enough for Travis to kidnap Harrison. Lazy.

However, that faulty mechanism that was so forced gave way to the only truly exciting happening this season. Deb sees Dexter laying blade into Travis, expunging his dough douchiness forever, while she quietly longs for him to lay blade in her. Gasp! Have to say I was fucking stoked about it. Where do they go from here? Does Dexter explain his way out of it? Does Deb bring him in? Does Deb cover it up? Hit me with your thoughts. I’m interesting to see your swing on things.

As much as I bemoaned what I thought was the show’s worst season by a fucking lot, I’m excited for the last two seasons. I think now that the gloves are coming off and they’re going to be allowed to play with some stakes, they can take some risks. Break out of the formulaic Miami Serial Killer of the Year routine and have the foundations around Morgan begin to evaporate. If they have the balls.

Here’s hoping.