Press Start!: Mario Gives Skyrimjobs In His Tanooki Suit
Into the Teeth of the Storm we march! The November Blitz Krieg, obliterating the Paris of your Wallet. Onwards! First World Middle Class Problems. Everyone duck, ignore the sirens. We’ve earned this through patience, g’damnit. There’s too many video games to ever hope to tackle, but fuck if I ain’t trying. Some games (Skyrim) I’m not even approaching until semester break. Some games (Modern Warfare 3) I lowered the right shoulder and blasted through.
This is Press Start! I’m Caffeine Powered. I play the video games. I babble about the week’s happenings in said world. I hope you’ll join me. Flap your lips, slap your gums, mash your fingers.
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#1: The Xbox Turns A Decade Old.
The Xbox. Microsoft’s enormo-console that seemed to be birthed up out of the heaving chasm of American bloat. I spent a good message board post or two deriding it before snagging it for Christmas back yonder in the annals of 2001. I mean it had Dead or Alive: Something Such. Jiggling boobies enticing my virginal hog. Can’t turn my back on that. Not in good conscience.
I didn’t get much out of that console, but what I did get titillated my taint with the leathery pleasure of a thousand masseuse’s fingers. Knights of the Old Republic. Panzer Dragoon. Jet Set Radio Future. The original Halo.
Here’s to the largest console ever. The only console I’ve ever used to repel a velociraptor attack and used as a bullet proof vest.
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#2: Nintendo, EA, and Sony Sponsor Internet Censorship Bill.
Look at these three fucking twats right here. The Stop Online Piracy Act is a nefarious-assed bill, parading as a measure for stopping online piracy. Now as someone who likes downloading the Music Album Things and the Television Experiences, I can’t really say I don’t blame companies for not wanting this sort of rampant pilfering to continue.
The problem?
Well, if you want to understand the problem more clearly I suggest watching the video above. Basically it’d give the US government free reign to firewall the fucking fuck out of shit whenever there may be something piracy-related. They’d totally use it for good, though, right? Can’t see the government exploiting something like this.
Winky. Wink.
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#3: Skyrim Is Fucking Awesome.
I haven’t touched Skyrim yet. I pledged to myself that I would wait until after the Fall semester ends to play it. I know. I know all too well the time-vaporizing capabilities of a Bethesda title. It eats hours and shits them out. You tell yourself one side-quest and the next thing you know it’s 2 in the fucking morning.
Your pants are off. Your cat’s fur is sticky. Your knuckles are bleeding and your controller has bite marks on it. This is the danger, friends. This is the fucking danger. Laugh all you want. We both know all too well the threat presented.
I told myself I’d be strong. But friends are playing it. People I respect are loving it. It’s selling in fucking droves. And me? I’m playing Modern Warfare 3 and telling myself “Just hang on, little man. Your purple-head will swell in fantastical fantasy glory soon enough.”
It’s great to see a beast title eat up a lot of the gaming press’ time. I know the franchise isn’t small by any means, but it’s great to see Skyrim taking a buzzsaw to some of the First Person Imperialist Maintenance Trainers that drop at this time of the year. Don’t get me wrong, I love screaming “America, Fuck Yeah!” while mindlessly plugging filthy Communist-Jihad-Something-Whoever-They-Tell-Me-Is-The-Foe in the skull. But I also like walking through meadows and dragons.
Glory be, it appears there’s room for both. Just not yet.
My willpower.
Lords of Kobol give me strength. Or at least that last excuse I need to buy it.
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#4: PETA Thinks Mario’s A Douche For Wearing His Tanooki Suit.
You have to hand it to PETA. They’re fucking bananas. The kind of guy or gal you date and they seem dope enough, and then one night they’re like “Oh hey, so I want you to write your name on my chest in feces, I will clench so hard when you do.”
(Or maybe they’re not like that, since should that happen I would star at the Burning Engines of Creation above and thank them for such a fortuitous turn of events. Just kidding. Sort of. Insert more winks.)
They’re all bullshit about Mario’s tanooki suit. Yeah, the cute ass one where he looks like he’s wearing a raccoon’s face as his get-up. Mario been a furry motherfucker for years. Did you know he can’t even get an erection unless he’s wearing that suit? The fur on that costume is matted down. Matted. Down. It’s horrifying. PETA’s all upset because apparently tanooki’s are real. ‘Cept they’re spelled tanuki or some shit.
PETA thinks that the suit is going to encourage people to uh. Well uh. It’s not funny? Or we’re going to kill tanukis and wear them? I’m not sure.
Those motherfuckers are bananas. Even created a game. They’ve since claimed it’s all a joke. But we know. We know about the feces and the clenching and the tanooki suits.
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#5: Stuff.
There’s supposed to be a fifth thing here, but it’d just be filler. Stick your hand into this grab bag motherfuckers! This one is up to you. Choose your own adventure. Did you ever just read the entire thing straight through? I did. So we have Call of Duty Elite selling 600,000 copies. That’s of a service. Metal Gear Solid 5 is coming. Hideo Kojima is currently smashing together military industrial complex critiques with existential blathering in a laboratory somewhere. The Xbox 720 and PS4 are soon. Like real soon. There’s a good chance we know who the voice actor for GTA V’s protagonist happens to be. And…and…and…
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Well, what caught your fucking eyes this week? Hit me.