Fear Fest: Hippos!
OCTOBER 12th, Hippos
“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”
-Mitch Hedberg
As we all are hurled through space on this little blue marble, its tough to realize how different we are from some of the other indigenous creatures. On would wonder what a visitor from another world would think if they touched down and took a look around. I can easily say that if they encountered a Hippo, they would climb their intergalactic asses back into their flying machine and haul ass out of dodge. Today’s fear deals with one of the most aggressive animals on the planet … MAN … no actually, its Hippos.
Hippos are responsible for more deaths in Africa than lions, alligators, snakes and Hugh Jackman combined. They are very territorial, and since the Maytag man has yet to bring his goods to the 3rd world, many people have to share the river with this monster.
Exhibit A in the Hippo’s badass resume is the following video
If you are unable to view the video, I’ll give you the play by play. It’s the dead of night. The brave Hippo dares to traverse though the territory of a pride of lions. Unfazed by the sight of a dozen lions, the hippo calmly decides that a timely exit would be the best move. Unable to see the good fortune, the lions decided that they can take the hippo. As the lions close in around the hippo, he takes up the iron frog position. As the lions pierce the hippo’s skin, they begin to drink his blood. Since we all know that hippo blood gives you confidence and the belief that you can do anything, the lions are thrown into a frenzy. Suddenly the hippo swings his head around and catches a lion in in his massive maw of justice. Crushing the skill of the lion, the hippo whips it around like he was snapping into a slim jim. Realizing that they’ve been infected with hippo blood, they decide that the little bit they have is no match for the gallons remaining inside this furious beast. The hippo gracefully exits, and if he had the capacity and the required digits, he’d flip them the bird.
Another reason hippos are badass is how territorial they are. They are like fucking mob bosses in their fervor to protect their shit. In Exhibit B we have remarkable proof.
Again, if you are unable to view the video, I’ll give you the rundown. Here we have a group of impalas drinking from a river. Suddenly, one of them decides he has to see the other side. Out of nowhere, a crocodile strikes. Not approving of a hit in his turf, the hippo comes rushing in. Knowing that taking on a hippo in a straight up fight is like taking on a hippo in a straight up fight (Its its own example of ridiculousness), the croc bugs out. Deciding that it’s bad for business if the impala is killed after trying to save it, the hippo tries mouth to mouth resuscitation. When that fails, the hippo goes to plan B. He gifts the body of the impala to the croc and warns him to never show his face in the river again. The crocodile wisely agrees and order is restored to the safari.
THE ANSWER: Don’t fuck with hippos. They aren’t cute. They aren’t cuddly. They don’t want to be your fucking friend. They are giant, angry beings with a 2,000lb bite force and look like they were just hatched from a poké ball and are ready to murder anything in their path. I’m not saying they also have super powers, but I wouldn’t be shocked.