Press Start!: Zombies Got Nothing On The Great Gatsby.

Man, Princess Peach is getting fucking hefty these days. She’s always cooped up in some fucking dungeon. Stuck in a cell with nothing to do but wait for the Koopa family to run the train on her and then go fight that fucking persistent plumber. No shit she’s going to eat her feelings.

This is Press Start! A lightning bolt of stupidity directly into your thinking-pipes, your winding brain machinery. In this column I give a rundown of five things that caught my attention in the world of gaming this week. The list is half-baked, poorly-constructed, and subject to my whimsy. Don’t see something you dug? Good, hit the comments box. Let us have some constructive dialogue.


#1: Kinect Hack Creates A Superman VR Simulator.
It has to be at least two fucking weeks since I mentioned a Kinect hack. Two weeks. In the span of the video game universe, that’s practically an eternity. No doubt there’s a plethora of content out there, but nothing has been catching my eye. Until this. A good collection of dudes over at the University of Amsterdam got together and hacked the shit out of Kinect to produce a Superman VR simulator. No doubt they were getting lit in their Fortress of Solitude on some of the goods those Dutch have appropriately liberated and came up with the concept.

This thing doesn’t just come off as Oh Hey Neat Idea!, it actually seems fun to play. With a solid Super Fistpump, you take to the skies. And depending on which side of the VR goggles you tap, you either activate your Frost Breath or Heat Vision.

I know that I’m totally dorking out on my love for this shit. Admitted. Guilty. Throw some spandex on me and send me into combat. However, I can’t be as lame as PS3 hacker Geohot. The same dude who let the world see the PS3 rootkey spent this week conjuring up a white boy diss track aimed at Sony. It’s all fun and games until you’re sodomized by the katana of Sony’s robot ninjas, duder.


#2: Former Director of GTA Planning Game Based On Iranian Revolution.
Navid Khonsari is a man who knows a thing or two about generating  controversy  through video game narrative. Motherfucker was the director of GTA III, Vice City, and San Andreas. So yeah, the guy has caught some heat in his day. Say what you will about the actual content of the games, the dude has weathered the storm, and persisted in telling his tales. Even with that in mind, I have to ruminate on the thunderously large set of testicles he has for attempting his next game. Khonsari wants to make a game about the Iranian Revolution of 1979, and the hostage crisis that surrounded.

Like I said, brass balls.

Khonsari spoke with Joystiq, and elaborated on his vision:

Khonsari described  1979 as a “social political game” that, in addition to open-world, sandbox environments, could feature “strategy elements with the use of AI combatants.” Once in Iran, additional player-controlled characters would be introduced, “allowing you the ability to play a number of different roles,” he added of the game’s lofty design goals. And he wasn’t finished: “The multiplayer aspect is something I am really excited about, but is still in the works.”

If it was executed well, it could be a concentration of video game rock. If there was a seriousness to it that concentrated on using the facets of gaming to execute framework for telling a unique spin on the tale, it could be something special. Or, it could be the usual hyperviolence nonsense that we got from GTA III. Call me an optimist.


#3: The Great Gatsby Gets Made Into Playable “NES” Game.
The Great Gatsby can mean many things to many people. To some, it’s a fucking brilliant book. It exposes the fallacy of the American Dream, the myth of social mobility, and the emptiness and ennui that stems from materialism. To others, it’s that shitty fucking book I had to fucking read in fucking in my fucking Junior year of high school. I happen to love it, but most of the people don’t seem to agree with me. Whatever your stance on Fitszy’s work of genius is, you have to give it up for this shit.

Over at, there’s a fully playable rendition of the book. The son of a bitch got made into an 8-Bit video game, good chap! The shit is fucking legit, too. It isn’t some giggle fest, walk in the park. This video game will fuck you up, should you not take it seriously.

It’s a serious dork commitment to a fucking book I love, but I hope the effort is appreciated none the less.


#4: Diablo III Originally Took Place In Heaven; Game Canned.
Fuck Duke Nukem Forever, Diablo III is my white whale. My holy grail. I’ve been anticipating the sequel to one of my life’s biggest time sinks for a fucking decade. I’ve aged, I’ve grown, I’ve lost my virginity, I’ve graduated college, I’ve been institutionalized, I’ve become addicted to caffeine, I’ve lost fifty pounds, I’ve burned through money and friends and more, I’ve completed half a fucking grad degree, I’ve seen the fucking Red Sox win a World Series. I’ve done all of this. And I have not gotten my fucking sequel.

This week, it may have become clear why this sequel has taken so long. Images and details have leaked of a canceled version of Diablo III from 2005. The son of a bitch was going to take place in Heaven, and feature a look rather  reminiscent  of its predecessor. Interested to see what it would have looked like? You’re in luck. Some people behind the game have leaked a fucking fuckload of screens from the son of a bitch. It looks like more of the same, but frankly, if I had gotten it six years ago, it probably would have blown my tits off.


#5: Everyone In The World Loses Their Shit Over “Dead Island” Trailer.
This week, Techland released a trailer for their delayed, assumed rotting title, Dead Island. The trailer which features the tragic death of a little girl-turned-zombie in reverse chronological order subsequently set people into all sorts of shit losing. Ain’t It Cool News said it “could be better than any feature film trailer you see this year.” Right. The ripple effect of people moaning over this trailer has actually effected the Earth on a level greater than the Sun’s ridiculous solar flare this week.


It was…cool? I don’t mean to hate. Or be a contrarian. You know? I’m generally a pretty frothy, encouragable fanboy. While this trailer was entertaining, and admittedly haunting, what exactly made it so fucking stellar? It follows some pretty refried beats: sadness of a little girl dying/being turned into a zombie, cliched reverse chronological order, minimalist music in the background to tug the heartstrings.

It was dope, but this dope?

Dunno, man.

I felt like I had to mention it, since it was the thunderclap that ripped across the gaming world more than anything else this week. Anyways, what the fuck does it matter what I think? The trailer has already incited controversy, gotten the game a movie deal, and been privy to fans editing together a chronologically sensible version of the trailer.