Press Start!: Finally, Dong-Based Motion Controls.

Oh shit! It’s Friday! Well, it’s actually Thursday evening while I type this. But none the less, it’s time for Press Start! Your one-stop shop for my blatherings about the five things that caught my eye this week in the world of video games. I’m going to level with you guys. I’m fucking tired. This column is powered by nothing less than hate, caffeine, and eye-burning fury. Straight off a week of Gertrude Stein and Piaget, I have, with little to no love, cobbled together this bullshit for you. Per usual, hit the comments box with your lovely findings in the world of video games this week.

#1: OH Shit, Fallout’s Pip-Boy Is Real!
You have to hand it to those fascist fucking pigs over running the Military Industrial Complex over in Washington. At the very least, they know how to make my nerd dreams come true. Latest case in point? They’re developing something that is very, very, very similar to a fucking Pip-Boy. The son of a bitch you see in the above photo is called a wrist-mounted flexible PH-OLED display, and the motherfucker packs an “organic light emitting diode display is mounted on thin, flexible metal foil, which in turn is mounted on a wrist-wrapping housing to create a fully functional display and communication device.”

Yeah. Whatever. Let’s call a spade a fucking spade. This son of a bitch is a Pip-Boy. Clearly the government has honed into some telepathic projection of a forthcoming apocalypse, and per good intentions, have begun culling video games for ways to survive the wasteland. Or, I could be losing my mind.

Whatever it is, the future is here, and it’s fucking awesome.


#2: Sir Arthur Is About To Polish His Lance In Marvel vs. Capcom 3
Last week at New York Comicon, right after I posted Press Start!, awesomeness happened. Fucking Sir Arthur, or Ghouls and Ghosts fame, was announced as a playable character in Marvel vs. Capcom 3. Now, if you’re over the age of twenty and you consider yourself a gamer, relax. That rushing feeling in your loins is the dorkery-based engorgement of your genitals. Fucking awesome. The cast of MvC3 continues to get more and more righteous, and with Sir Arthur at the table, I’m ready for this shit.

Deadpool? Wesker? Sir Arthur? Amazing.


#3: Nathan Fillion Wants Nathan Drake
It’s a match made in fanboy heaven. Nathan Fillion, the dude who creams the panties of overweight nerd chicks wants to play the part of Nathan Drake in the upcoming Uncharted movie. The guy who has inspired countless dickheads who think they’re witty to prattle off insipid dialogue through countless pages of fan fiction wants in on David O. Russel’s next flick. Guys, even Whedon’s verbose. You’re just annoying. So our boy Fillion has begun campaigning for the part. Actively. Across the infowebs.

I always sort of cringe when an actor begins lobbying for a part. I mean, has that shit ever actually worked before? I mean, jesus christ!, remember Sean Young? She fucking sunk her career by her Catwoman antics. Does Fillion really think going about asking for the part pubically is going to work? And more importantly, does the dude actually want to work with Russel? I love his movies, but I’m pretty sure George Clooney wanted to throw him into a pile of nails wrapped in C4 by the end of Three Kings.

But still.

Everything aside, Fillion would be perfect for Drake. Why? ‘Cause if you’ve played Uncharted, it’s pretty clear that Nathan Fillion is Nathan Drake. Well, you know the fictionalized and idealized concept of Fillion. They look alike. They sound alike. The witty banter? So fucking Fillion. It makes almost too much sense.

#4: The Force Unleashed II’s Trailer Stimulates My Midi-chlitoris
The Force Unleashed II has the unfortunate honor coming out during a time of year where I’m hard pressed for both time and money. All of both my time and money is going to be divided between playing Fallout: New Vegas, Black Ops, and Cataclysm. And even if I had the scratch, I’m not sure I’d snag it.

So why then, am I featuring this trailer for the game? I don’t know, really. It’s fucking Star Wars, and it’s got incinerating Stormtroopers and the protagonist who is modeled after That Dude On Battlestar and Dexter. It’s also got snow and Darth Vader. It all made so much sense in my head when I chose it. Like, seriously. Now I’m confused.

But no, seriously, it’s a total wank fest for those of us who are Force sensitive. In other words, lonely geeks in our basements who still pound our fists on the wall when contemplating Vader’s reveal in Episode III. Some wounds never heal. But trailers like this make me appreciate the glory that is the Star Wars universe, even if it’s being held hostage by a Billionaire Mole Man.


#5: New Illusion Soft Peripheral Lets Your Penetration Call The Shots
We are quickly approaching the Rubicon, my friends. This week, Illusion Soft premiered a new prototype peripheral. Through the glorious of Technologies Our Good Embarrassed Gods gave us, we now have the ability to fuck a piece of plastic. Old hat, you claim! True, true, fair enough. How long have I been fucking Sprite bottles for? Too long? Not long enough? Hard to say!


Now with this prototype, you can stick your phallic or phelange or whatever sort of object you desire into this device, and on screen you get the goods! Keep shoving, and the poor lass bent over on screen takes a good pounding. I’ll tell you I spent a good amount of time trying to find a fucking website that allowed me to embed the video. It wasn’t meant to be. So go here, and check it out. Then come back! Run back, your little tingling bits abound!

Back? Sweet! A bit laggy, isn’t the fuckery? I mean, you thrust, and you have to wait entire seconds before the good sir administers the plowing. How unconvenient! Right? Right! But let us not get greedy. I mean, everyone is commenting that Kinect is laggy, and last time I checked, you could only pet tigers, not pound pussies!

Oh lord, the puns. I’m sorry, I apologize. Mea culpa.

I’m bleary eyed and apologetic. That’s the lowdown on my warped perspective on gaming this week. Hit me with what you’re fancying.