THIS WEEK ON Dexter: Pratically Perfect

There was a moment in last night’s episode of Dexter where Boyd was rocking out with his shirt open and his sick ass yokel mustache riding the damp Miami wind when everything became clear to me. The power of Boyd had distilled the universe into a simple message I could comprehend: via the power of some sick facial pubes, and a backwards hat, existence was mine! I could take it!

Seriously though, I loved the fuck out of Boyd. He was such a ridiculous change of pace that I had to tip my cap to him. Dexter had to ruin my torrid dong-sloshing for Boyd though. He had to get all high and mighty. Really, Dexter, Boyd deserved to die? I noticed that Harry said Boyd was your first kill since…”You know.” No really, I don’t.

‘Cause I seem to recall the piece of refuse you bludgeoned to death with an anchor. Doesn’t that guy count, at all?

Dexter seems to get shittier and his shittier in his execution of his executions. The dude has gone from some high proficiency slayer into a wielder of dumb assery. Remember in the first couple of seasons when he pulled off everything with aplomb? Those were the good ole days.

Dexter dude, have to heed the code, yo! Or some piece of shit is going to bring you down.

Like Quinn!

Fucking seriously?

Just when I thought that last episode was fucking ridiculous with Quinn shuffling about suspect sketches like a fucking jigsaw puzzle champion, this episode got even more ludicrous. There’s ole Pockmarked D-Bag — sorry dude, Eddie Olmos is the only crater face I can love — staring at his folded up sketches next to a picture of Dexter and his family.

Like, really? That’s how we’re going to play out Dexter getting caught? Some implausible bullshit like that? I mean, I admit that there’s a certain amount of implausibility that we have to stuff down our gullets during any episode of this show. I suppose I just don’t find Quinn’s pursuit particularly believable.

“Let me just fold together all these sketches in a sequence…and oh Jesus Christ…is that Dex? Why, let me stare at it and compare it with a picture of his family! Durrrr.”

No thanks.

So yeah Dexter, you have to step up your game.

As Dexter and Yokel Thunder are scraping raccoon carcasses off of the road, the rest of the cast is embroiled in a pot of suck. As I often lament, can you imagine if this show had one other character that was a third as interesting as Dexter? Well, that’s still alive.

Rest in Pieces, Arthur Mitchell, Ice Truck Killer, and Boyd Fowler.

No, seriously. They’re off on some cult chase, and I’m like, word? At some point they just need to go the full monty and spin this son of a bitch off into a crossover with Resident Evil 4. Nothing says Spanish-speaking zombies like the good ole Umbrella Corporation and Leon Kennedy.

In addition, we have the Angel storyline. Apparently Angel beat a dude within an inch of his life in last week’s episode. So if that poorly written behavior wasn’t lamentable enough, they’re going to parlay Poorly Written Angel into a Contrived Source of Stress and Tension. Is Angel going to go to jail? I have no fucking clue! But the whole storyline is shit porridge that I don’t feel like swallowing.

No, fucking seriously?

When Boyd finally got axed, the most intriguing aspect of the season kicked off. Some crazy chick, played by the particularly haggard looking Julia Styles, saw the entire thing. The crux of the next episode at the very least seems to be Dexter pursuing this whacky broad, fearful that she’s going to spill the beans on his offing of god damn Boyd. Isn’t she at all grateful? He pulled her from the precipice of a filthy mustache ride and embalming. Isn’t there any sense of gratitude in the world?

Thankfully, for the viewer, this is where Dexter’s sloppiness pays off. As the dude continues to fumble around like a chucklefuck, searching for some sense of self through an increasing bloodlust, we get to watch as shit spirals out of control. The guy’s gone from precision to eating a tranquilizer dart to the tits, and not casing a joint before he kills someone.

Sloppy dude, sloppy. Meanwhile, god damn Harry is sticking in the back of his head, barking bullshit. One of the things that I thought would be intriguing, is if Dexter comes to realize that Harry is no longer a reliable part of his psyche. What would happen if the crutch Dexter leaned on was no longer issuing advice that best suited Dexter?

I mean, after Dexter slapped down the dude in the bathroom in the first episode, Harry tells him, “That’s the first human thing you’ve done!” And I was like, “Really, dude?” I’m pretty sure killing a dude for being nothing more than a dick isn’t a human move. And it certainly doesn’t fit your fancy pants code.

What if the Harry in the dude’s dome was as aberrant as Dexter himself?

It’d be an interesting way to spin it, should they ever choose so.

The question is, what exactly is the code worth anymore? Dexter’s been more or less wiping his ass with it as his convenience when he kills a dude by mistake, or whatever. But this Caged Up Lady, she saw everything. Can Dexter kill her and not betray the code?

Personally, as a dude who wants to root for my Murderous Vigilante, I can’t stand by and watch him ice people unless they’re killers and rapists and shit. Anything less and then he’s just a dude with mental problems, playing pincushion with those who he deems fit. Though to be fair, while it would be tough to actively campaign for him, it would make an interesting storyline.