Press Start!: Is PlayStation Move A Sex Toy? You Decide!

Press Start!, your one-stop source for video games buffoonery. The column where I throw up five things that caught my eye in the halls of video gamedom this week. An interactive column, I beseech fellow gamers to hit the comments box with what got them excited/thinking/horny in the world of the 1-Up this week. Do it, or I’ll just keep posting juvenile treatises. I’m beggin’ ya.


#1: Del Toro Spits Hot Fire On Video Game Respectability.
Del Toro has always been a binky of mine. I love the Hellboy movies, dug Pan’s Labyrinth, and say what you want about Blade 2, the dude directed the sickest collection of vampire spin-kicks, elbow drops, and body presses ever in one scene. So when he spoke out recently at a book signing in favor of video games, I was fucking pumped. Courtesy of Kotaku, Del Toro was quoted as saying:

Video games are the comic books of our time [yet] it’s a medium that gains no respect from the intelligentsia. They say ‘oh video games’. And most people who complain about video games have never fucking played them.

Boom, head shot. I’m going to side step the fatiguing and bothersome debate about whether or not video games are art. As a professor and mentor of mine once say regarding the art debate, “It’s not about whether or not something is art. It’s about whether or not it’s interesting.”

Well put, my Jedi Master. So rather, Del Toro addresses indirectly the question, “Can video games provide the medium for engaging and thought-provoking narrative?” and the answer is of course yes. He isn’t defending the majority of video games, but rather making an argument for the validity of the medium.

Awesome. Like comic books (and I would argue any medium) perhaps the majority of it is dim-witted and juvenile schlock. But that doesn’t condemn the entire medium. Instead, perhaps it issues the challenge for people within that field to step up and showcase how fucking powerful it can be.

I <3 Del Toro. Moving on.


#2: WoW: Cataclysm Gets A Release Date; Stank Nuts and Shitty Beard INC.
Come December 7, I am so fucked. That’s the date that Blizzard has dropped for their newest World of Warcraft expansion, Cataclysm. I stunted for quite a while regarding this expansion pack. I hadn’t played WoW in almost a year. I thought I had kicked the addiction. But you can never truly get the WoW-heroin out of your bones. It’s been sitting there in the back of my mind, haunting me. “Ian” it says “Just give up, embrace it.” And I’m tired man, I’m too tired to continue fighting it.

So despite thinking that this is the expansion pack that I would actually be able to skip, it’s been dated, and its calling to me. I’ll give in. I know I’m not the only recovering junkie that’s going to give in to the siren’s call, and there’s some comfort in that.

Fucking of course the son of a bitch has to drop right at the end of my semester. I’m going to have two fifteen-plus page papers to be writing, and I know I’m going to be bleary-eyed and smelling like pizza sauce and body odor. Just having to kill one more murlock or some shit. Just one more. Just one more. Just. One. More.


#3: Dream Club Zero Asks You to Stuff Girls’ Faces With Sausages.
Well then. A dating simulation coming in Japan for the Xbox 360 offers you the opportunity to pull off a unique task. Amongst the dating simulations, Dream Club Zero offers a more realistic task. You are capable of stuffing eerily pre-pubescent girls’ faces with sausages. Yeah dude, sausages. In what is one of the more creepily suggestive phallic mouth rapings of the week (I mean, uh ever?), there’s nothing that says let’s go on a hot date!, than offering up an ole piece of meat for a young mouth.

I don’t really have much to say about this, other than I find it fucking spellbinding. It’s like, really? Wow. As a master of the perverted and depraved, this makes even me uncomfortable.


#4: Useless Fan Awesome of the Week: An NES Turned Into A DVD Player
Quick, name something you’ve always wanted to do! Wait, stuff sausages into a fourteen year-old’s mouth? Gross. Anything besides that? Oh, play a DVD in your original Nintendo Entertainment System? Well Davevil over on Youtube can help you out with that shit. The good chap has gone out of his way to take the shell of a good ole Nintendo and stuff its guts full of sausages. I meant DVD parts.

Is this practical at all? Of course not. And that’s half of what makes it so awesome. Something like this is such a senseless labor of love, that you gotta tip your cap to it. Why bother doing this? More importantly, why not? It’s cool as fuck, and it’ll get you fifteen minutes of fame on the internet.

I mean, in this day and age, what’s cooler than being a quick-burn celebrity. Nothing! [Tons of things.]


#5: Is The PlayStation Move A Dildo? Amazon Thinks So!
I came across this goodness on the tumblr feed for my friends over at Mad Gear Solid, who are currently doing a bang-up job of covering last week’s Eurogamer Expo. Is the PlayStation move a sex toy? I mean, Amazon’s Suggestions clearly think it’s an old dildo. Or is it merely a phallic object run amok! I mean, what says patriarchal society like trying to force a cock into everyone’s hands? Sony needs to take their marketing in that direction if they really want to play on the collective subconscious that they’re already hinting at.

“What says family fun like Mom, Dad, Sally and Bobby swinging cocks together in the living room? Fucking nothing!”

I mean, c’mon. Fuck PlayStation Kev or whatever that spokesman is, I think I’ve got everything covered.

Is it actually a sex toy? Naw, unfortunately. But remember, some of the most fun people have inserting objects for rampant erotic were things hardly designed for that sort of pleasure. Like well-cooked sausages.


What caught your eye this week? Hit me.