Press Start!: Gaming Goes Kraut
Yo, ya’ll! Welcome to Press Start! Home to insanity, caffeine, and poorly constructed lists numbering five. This is the location where I tell you the five things that caught my eye in the Gaming Geekosphere from the last week. The list is in no specific order, utterly subjective, and I hope you’ll hit me with your own happenings in the comments box.
#1: Gaming Blitzkrieg Hits Gamescom
This week was Gamescom, the European gaming convention set in Cologne, Germany. I wish I could get really amped up over a ton of shit from the convention, but for the most part it was just a collection of new screens and details regarding games that I’m already sweating. Enough Fallout: New Vegas info to make my ass pucker, some Dead Space 2 news, even some shit about the white whale herself, Diablo III.
Aside from that, it didn’t have the megaton reveal of say, an E3. Or perhaps, you know, the most impressive thing for revelations these days: a cover story on Game Informer.
Still though, it’s worth bringing up, innit? According to Mr. Wiki, this son of a bitch is the biggest gaming convention in the world.
What dope shit from Gamescom got your juicy bits inflamed?
#2: Oh Shit! A Portable Dreamcast?
What’s better than a Dreamcast? Yeah, a fucking Dreamcast. Home to a million little esoteric games that are close to my heart, perhaps none more than Phantasy Star Online. Why, how about a portable one? This effort in awesomeness is the lovechild of Techknott. I’m guessing that’s not his real name. But when you build portable Dreamcasts, I suppose you can name yourself whatever you want.
This ain’t the first endeavor he’s made at making a portable version of Sega’s finale console. In fact, its his third. Now, I ain’t seen any of his other ones, but I can vouch for how tight this one is. This son of a bitch has AV outputs, a VMU that actually works, a CD drive, and more.
God damn, I find all of that so impressive. I’m the sort of guy who gets flustered when looking at instructions for some $10 Ikea coffee table. The fact that our boy Techknott can pull this all together is impressive as fuck.
Well done, good sir.
#3: Scare the Shit Out of Children With Bioshock Masks
If you want to be well on your way towards coming off as a child-diddling weirdo, then I suggest you pick up the Bioshock Gift Pack. Sold at Toys R Us of all places, the gift pack will bring you a Splicer Mask, and miniature figures of Agent Delta and a Little Sister. I know, right? What a…weird grouping of objects for a gift pack, no? I mean, they’re all sort of neat, but what exactly is the theme that ties them all together. Oh wait, Bioshock!
We can prattle about the gift pack, but let’s talk about the splicer mask. Can you imagine the human being who wants to wear that? I mean, it should be some sort of test that you take before working with children, and one of the questions is simply, “Do you want to wear this mask?” Depending on their answer, you’ll be able to ascertain whether or not they should work with children.
Hint!: If they say “Yes”, then they probably spend a good amount of time hiding in the wastebins behind a Kentucky Fried Chicken, and waiting for someone to pour garbage on them, an act which pushes them into the throes of ecstasy you and I can’t imagine.
#4: Ubisoft Proclaims That Beyond Good & Evil 2 Gotta Be Perfect
I lied when I said that nothing that came out of Gamescom had me doing cartwheels. Beyond Good & Evil 2 news gets me cartwheeling like a motherfucker. I couldn’t believe when Ubisoft announced that they were making BG&E2. The original was one of my favorite titles, but I think counting myself it sold something like twenty titles. As respected as it was in the gaming press, it was shoved aside and ignored by the Average Mouth Breather. Bummer? Sure. Expected? Absolutely.
So I played my copy, loved it some, and shelved it next to the rest of my PlayStation 2 collection. But then they were all, “Hey, you’re getting a sequel.” And now they’re all “Hey, this game has to be perfect.” Ubisoft CEO dropped at Gamescom that “What is very import with this next product is that it will be perfect.”
Well then! I would have settled for a rehash, but if you’re aiming for perfect, go get it my friend.
#5: Let’s Buy Ourselves A Gaming Store!
You got any cash? I have an investment plan. I’m looking for a group of people to go in with me on a gaming store. You see, down in Grand Junction, Colorado, there’s a gaming store that is folding, and they’re looking to sell their wares. Now, I ain’t no economist, or grand financial wizard, but!, I think this is a great opportunity. I mean, with the recession, and the death of tangible media, why shouldn’t I try and buy an antiquated, independent gaming store? We’ll be the salt of the Erf!
For $30,000, I can either own the entire store itself, or have the inventory shipped to me. Free shipping within 750 miles! But honestly, why wouldn’t I want the store! I mean, I’ll have to move to Colorado, but that place seems nice. Buy a house? I’ll just live in the fucking store! In my own god damn gaming paradise, like I am Tom Hanks from Big or something.
But I need your help. It’s Thirty-Large. That’s some serious money. Especially for a graduate school loser like me. But I’ll chip in. With my contribution, we’ll only need $29,950. The rest is up to you. But then we’ll party like it’s one of those god damn Communist Socialist Countries like Canada or Vermont and we’ll share the wealth of the store evenly. A commune of gamers, living amidst decaying plastic and Super Mario.