THIS WEEK ON 24: 8:00 – 9:00 PM

Renee thinks she’s all edgy because she just cut off some dude’s thumb last episode, but I don’t think she’s very bad ass. I used to like her more when she was a red hot and her thunderous cleavage carried every scene. But now that she’s emo and she listens to H.I.M, I’m not really feeling her.

It’s five episodes in, and the plot is already incomprehensible. Renee and Zia or whatever the fuck the guy’s name are going to meet with some guy to pretend they have some sort of deal. And this guy Vladimir, is who exactly? I have no idea. Vladimir though, that’s an original name. What next, they going to show some Russian dude pounding vodka?

Oh, there we go! Operation: Stereotype is complete!

My girlfriend told me that she thought the bleeding, drunken, thumbless Russian who Renee alludes to banging underage chicks is cute in a dumb goofy sort of way, which explains a lot about why she is attracted to me.

So the two of them are going to Vladimir, the guy, to get something. And whacky thumbless guy makes references towards Vlad doing icky things to Renee in their past or something. Jack looks on brooding and upset. I’m not really sure why though? And you know what’s the source of my confusion?

The fact that every fucking season, there’s a different cast of characters, and there’s absolutely no time to build a rapport with any of them. I don’t give a fuck about Renee.

Oh shit, Jack has a fucking iPad?!

And speaking of characters I don’t give a fuck about, there’s Dana Walsh. Dana Walsh is played by Katee Sackhoff, who dazzled my pants as Starbuck in Battlestar Galactica. Sadly, every time she’s on the screen on 24, I want to kill myself.

Somehow the writers think that the viewer gives a shit about the plight of some new character we’ve just been introduced to. How are we supposed to care about the past of a virgin character, exactly? I want to see Jack shooting people and being gruff! Instead, we’re treated to dozens of seconds which feel like hundreds of hours watching her arguing with her yokel ex-boyfriend. I cannot fathom how anyone in the writers’ meeting thought this was entertaining.

So Starbuck, I mean Dana Walsh, fled her hometown to reinvent herself, and her hick boyfriend found her even though she changed her name. And somehow, she’s supposed to exploit data streams, or something, to get him a “six figure payout”…What the fuck does that even mean? Is this the plot to Superman III?

Why doesn’t she just tell her supercop fiance that her ex-boyfriend is back and acting like an asshole? It seems so obvious. I tried to fly this by my girlfriend and she was all “Oh, like you wouldn’t be upset if I had hidden an entire life from you?” and then I didn’t respond to her valid point.

I’m just saying, if it was between that and being exploited by Cleetus, I’d opt for the former.

All of the subplots suck, which is the problem, well, every god damn season. I don’t care about Dana Walsh, ex-hick, except to poke fun at my significant other who grew up riding a cow to school. I don’t care about President Slumdog Millionaire and his shitty made-up country, and I don’t care about sympathetic Russian terrorist whose brother is dying of uranium poisoning.

Show. Jack. Shooting. People.

And then of course the last ten minutes or so are really tense and enjoyable. Of course. There’s always just enough awesomeness to keep me watching. Because I will always be a glutton for gunshots and car chases. As Jack tries to save Renee, she tells Leoben from Battlestar that she doesn’t care if she lives or not. Seriously, someone has got to take the Deathcab for Cutie away from her and crunch a Prozac into her alcohol of choice. She drops a single tear, and we all wept for her plight.

Thanksfully, Vlad knows a quality set of rib bangers when he seems them, and he lets her live. So they can go do something, to someone, to arrange a buy for something, or the such, which will lead to some sort of information. I think. Who cares. Ideally, it will lead to Jack shooting Vladimir in the head with a shotgun while falling out of a helicopter.