Monday Morning Commute: Wherein I Fap To Final Fantasy XIII

This just in dickheads! You’re probably bloated and hungover from a steady diet of carbohydrates and consumerism from the past Thanksgiving weekend. Yeah, me too. While I don’t regret socking the elderly woman in the tits because she took the fucking last copy of Wii Fitness Masturbate Your Way To Toned Arms, I never expected her to die on the spot. And therefore, this cell is lonely and cold, but I’m glad that the local Starbucks next to the police station has free WiFi and they’ve let me use my iPhone.

LOL JK.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

Playing / Final Fantasy XIII

Alright, you fucking caught me. I’m not playing Final Fantasy XIII yet. However, since they’ve announced that the son of a bitch is coming out on 03/09/2010, I can’t stop thinking about it. I have Final Fantasy in my god damn bone marrow. I masturbate to the thought of a moogle banging a chocobo. I’m starting to get fucking insane about the game. Like, IT’S SERIOUSLY IN MY GOD DAMN MIND. I posted on a message board that I own and shit the following last Friday:

With it only like three months away, I cannot stop thinking about Final Fantasy XIII. I know a full-blown, unhealthy obsession is brewing because today I thought, “Christ, I hope I don’t die or something before it comes out.”

Like I said, I’m starting to lose my damn mind over it.

Reading / Blackest Night, DC Comics

I was split on Blackest Night for a while. There’s a general laundry list of reasons. Event fatigue, and uh…Yeah, I guess that’s it. I’ve come to resent the general grind of being a comic book fan. Every six fucking months, there’s a new event, a new status-quo breaker. Yawn, I’m fucking exhausted!

But yeah, I’ve gotten back on the Blackest Night bandwagon. If for nothing else, you’re getting to see roughly seven-thousand people die, and a lot of your favorite characters come back as flesh eaters. Really, can you complain about that shit?

For the literature nerds, it’s interesting seeing them examine the finality of death through the eyes of people that you know, never die.   As well, seeing characters who have lost loved ones being challenged by the ghosts of their past, literally, is interesting. The push and pull between moving on from loss, and being tempted to sit and wallow in it is intriguing. I dig it.

Watching / Flashforward

Flashforward is a shitty show that I really enjoy. It started off slowly, and the last couple of episodes have been stringing my boner along. I would have probably given up on it, because I’m an impatient douchebag, but my girlfriend goes apeshit over it, and I was like, okay, I’ll watch it. It’s LOST for retards, and Joseph Fiennes would be the worst actor I’ve seen in a long time – if Dollhouse didn’t have actors with rotten diarrhea sandwich levels of acting non-prowess.

This week is bringin’ the mid-season finale. I’m stoked, since this show jerks you off like LOST, and I’m sure we’ll get some bombshell that’ll make me go OH MY GAWSH and pose some other totally like, surprising thing to keep me guessing for months.

Watch Flashforward if you like LOST, but you’re okay with a loathsome main character, Star Wars Prequel-esue exposition, and guns.

What are you d-bags up to this week?