Press Start!: Homoerotic Rimjobs, Lightsabers and Christmas Moms.
Hello, friends. How you doing? Are you stuffed to the brim with Thanksgiving food? Is your bowel movement the consistency of corn-flavored soft serve ice cream? Then kick your feet up and read this edition of Press Start!, the column where I mouth off about the events in the previous week of gaming. It’s a list! You like lists. Santa likes lists. Everyone is partying in lists. Unbutton them pants, let the stink of your overworked groin-parts lull you into a state of semi-consciousness, and open your gaming Third Eye to me.
—-
#1: Fake Christian Site Trolls Skyrim, Gets People Riled Up.
In a world where immature gaming columnists reference stool movements and PETA does at least absurd thing a week, it’s sometimes difficult to discern who is fucking crazy, and who is fucking around. This week the faux-Christian Banana Cakes website ChristWire dropped an article proclaiming that Skyrim was turning all the gentle children of the Erf into quite the gays. My initial reaction was similar to most peoples, a laugh at the absurdity of these close-minded fear-mongering Wingnuts. Joke was on my ass! They were absurd, but it’s all part of a very Onion-esque site. I got rolled! Alas. The article itself was pretty fucking magical right off the bat when I thought it was legit, and its wunder continues on through knowing its a satire.
On a more serious note, if Skyrim can teach me how to perfect the ancient art of Rimming the Jobs, then it’s yet another reason I need to play the game. Much like Othello, it seems an easy move to learn. Yet a lifetime to master.
—-
#2: EB Games/GameStop Removes Used Gaming Section, Mixes All Titles Together.
In a move of ripping doucheosity, EB Games/GameStop has removed their used gaming section. Now all those titles that mongoloids like myself have breathed on and touched with sticky seminal fluid fingers are out in the wild. Floating around with the pristine copies that you’re hoping to get your fingers on. It’s a genius corporo-diabolical move, getting you to pay close to fucking total title value for something that’s already been bought and sold. #OccupyGameStop?
I got shoveled a used copy of Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood this year, and my caffeine-soaked brain piece didn’t even realize it until I got home. It didn’t bother me that much outside of the principal. That is, they didn’t fucking ask, and I wasn’t planning on buying a used copy. I imagine this all becomes even trickier with Online Gaming Passes and free DLC that you get when you snag the title for free.
—-
#3: WoW Set To Lose 1 Million Players To Star Wars MMO.
I’m a recovering WoW addict. Recover isn’t just about quitting, it’s a lifelong process, ‘kay? Shit is difficult. I fiddle my Twelve Step chips and repeat the mantras to myself. Despite all my resolve, I know that there’s a storm coming. What could sling me back into a world of late-nights, bleary eyes, unwashed gym balls and caffeine madness? A fucking Star Wars MMO. It’s dropping in less than a month and I know deep in my soul that I will wilt. Inevitable. The only solace I take is that I know there will be countless relapses. A survey launched by Some People has found that at least 1 million people will be dropping WoW and coming over to the Dark Side (or light, depending on your character creation LOL LAME JOKE). We will be huddled together in our crack houses. Covered in detritus and mumbling to ourselves about loot. Pass the dice, Imma roll.
—-
#4: Gamers Pepper Sprayed During Black Friday Nonsense.
How strong is your resolve when it comes to snagging a good deal on an Xbox? Or a Wii? I mean fuck who even wants a Wii anymore? That shit is b-a-n-a-n-a-s. Apparently there’s a portion of the public who are so dedicated to getting themselves a Wii at solid discount prices! that they’re going to engage in some fisticuffs. So dedicated that they’re ready to get blasted with pepper spray like they’re fucking #OccupyingWalmart. A shoving match broke out and people were getting thrown through fucking boxes like it was some old school Mick Foley hardcore match.
Someday I’m going to get all greased up and just hit the local Target looking for a fucking good deal on a Vizio television. Should any fucking Soccer Mom cross me she’s going to get lit up with the most splendid F5 she can imagine. As they drag me out of the store screaming, snot-running, eyes glazed in reddened pepper sprayed madness, I’ll rest knowing I’ve experienced the Gauntlet. There was once bread line brawls, now we fight over limited edition Star Wars toys and rice cookers.
Welcome to the Suck.
—-
#5: Rampage Is Being Made Into A Movie.
When Operation is being made into a movie, how can I deride a childhood classic getting the movie treatment. Rampage. What a fucking game. I spent hours with my brother just beating the living shit out of buildings and destroying army tanks. Years later, as I fantasize about climbing skyscrapers and eating human beings in two chomps gobble-gobble time, I have to tip my cap towards this influential novel. What a solid you did me, Rampage. You showed me the Truth. The. Truth.
What was I saying?
Oh yeah! Rampage! It’s essentially a fucking monster movie. Not that hardest thing to translate onto the big screen. Fuck, call up Roland Emmerich. That dude is totally boss when it comes to monsters flick. He took that shitty Gozdilla thing from China or whatever and turned it into one of the greatest movies of the 20th century. Lizards and Ferris Bueller? Fuck yeah! In fact bring him back too. Mr. Jessica Parker isn’t doing much these days anymore anyways.
(I’m kidding. Take a rip of your inhaler.)
—-
What caught your eyes this week in gaming, intrepid gaming guys and gals? Hit me.