THIS WEEK ON Dexter: Smokey And The Bandit.

We’re three episodes into Dexter’s sixth season and ain’t a damn thing happened yet. I’m not worried, no sir. I take the fanboy approach. Patiently awaiting something dope. So the sweet scene with the corpse horses was the last thirty seconds of the episode. So Billy Adama and Father Joe are up to nothing. So Dexter is just giving baby baths and shit.

It can’t stay like this forever, right?

At first I thought that Olmos and Hanks characters (for the record Olmos is James Gellar and Hanks is Travis Marshall) were just going to serve as an analog for the perversion of faith to meet any sorts of means. That may very well be the case. Yet in this episode I couldn’t help but notice the parallel between their dungeon whippings and the shotgun repentance some Christians feel. Regardless of whether or not they feel bad, in fear of death they’ll cop to feeling bad about anything. There are a lot of weird things going on with the two characters, and some of the most interesting examinations of faith are coming from them. The problem is that the motherfuckers are barely holding any screen time.

Does anyone give a fuck about Dexter’s interactions with Harrison? I couldn’t give less of a shit about the storyline where Morgan awkwardly tries to come to grips with his parental responsibilities in light of the fact that he has to stab people while he writhes against his murder-boner you know he has in his pants.

I’m grateful as fuck that Astor and Cody are in the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean after Dexter drunkenly stabbed them one night after they got peanut butter all over a light switch. He was grieving or something, and he slipped up. (Read my fan fiction.) It isn’t enough though. The family ties used to serve the purpose of creating tension, an alternate life that he had to try and massage into his murderous nightlife.

Bubble baths and story time? Please omit me from these experiences.

Oh yeah, Mos Def was also in the episode. Though I think the credits only said Mos. Am I wrong? I thought I spied that, though I generally don’t pay attention to the credits this far into the series. Speaking of Brother Sam, there’s a lot of moving parts this season. We have the Death Object Fetishist Intern, we have the Apocalypse Brigade with Hanks and Olmos, and we have Brother Sam. It’s no wonder it’s taking forever to get anything going, they have nineteen characters to establish.

Every time that LaGuerta comes on screen my ass clenches in rage, and I have to pull my finger out of butt and curse her presence on screen. Yeah I like a little Sunday evening buttplay. Prepares me for the grind of the week. Anyways. I understand she’s a focal point for creating distress in the office, but hasn’t she run her course? Every fucking season she just manipulates a new character in the squad and we all groan while she looks bloated and flaunts some flapjack titties underneath a flowery blouse.

This episode she was pulling rank on Deb, who runs around crying about Quinn leaving while also pushing him away. You need to pick a move, Deborah. Quinn gets sent away on a fucking igloo of non-committal bullshit and now you’re upset when he’s trying to crush some ‘tang? It’s a douche move for sure, but you brought that upon yourself.

The most interesting thing going on in the office is Masuka and his intern. Apparently she’s not just some object for the viewer to lust after, she’s also got a bit of the freak in here. Where are they going with her? Anyone have some thoughts? This is some straight-up 24 bullshit where people are now infiltrating the Miami Metro like it’s fucking CTU.

Maybe she’s a corpse-fetishist. Secretly more than anything she wants to fist Masuka with the hand that she snagged from evidence from the Ice Truck Killer. That’d be something. I bet our boy the pervert could get down with the fisting-corpse-funk.

The monster of the week played in this Dexter Sweating His Future motif, as Dexter ran around with a guy who liked yanking out incisors back in the day. Oh gosh! Am I going to become a lonely bloated broken serial killer distanced from my soon too?! I don’t know how I feel about the monsters of the week thing they have going on so far this season, but I know I don’t like it when it is only serving to further Dexter’s “Oh my gosh what is going to become of me?” mediations. I don’t mean to be a dick, Dexter, but I tire of this. How many seasons are we going to have him questioning where he’s going, what he’s going to become.

I know this is an essential facet of the series, but how about we have him make some decisions. Even if they’re the wrong one. I need to see Dexter take some agency in this quandary of his. Let us see him explore his fate through actions, not internal monologues that spiral through season after season.

Yes? No?

Let’s pull this shit together, writers. Let’s get something going. The end of the episode was dope, here’s hoping it’s parlayed into some momentum gathering in the fourth episode.

Thoughts? Reactions? Hit me my friends.