Friday Brew Review – Mokah

Behold the glory that is the FRIDAY BREW REVIEW! There ain’t no damn laws against drinkin’ and writin’, so today’s edition of of FBR is coming to you just as the alcohol hits my bloodstream. Hell, if it worked for a titan like Hemingway, there’s no way it could befoul the prose of a dilettante such as myself.


Anyways, today I’m lubricating my weekend-gears with Mokah, an imperial stout from the fine folks at Southern Tier. As a full-blown caffeine addict, my palette has not only become accustomed to coffee, but has learned to actually crave Columbia’s Black Gold. Incessantly. So needless to say, I’m always intrigued when I stumble upon beer or liquor that claims to be the product of science’s greatest genetic engineering.

Beer’s buzz and coffee’s flavor? Fuck yes. Hell, I’ve been dreaming of this brew since Soothsayer Drew spake of it years ago.

However, Mokah adds an extra set of genitals to the beer-orgy by not only breeding beer with coffee, but chocolate as well! And that ain’t no bullshit, either – from the first whiff, it’s clear that this drank is packin’ what it claims. As soon as I blasted off the cap, I was overwhelmed by warm aromas of fuzzy fondness. The bouquet is dark and rich, rattling my brain-bone and teleporting me into flashbacks of sitting in the kitchen as my mom bakes brownies. After sniffing a full draft, I can say with certainty that Mokah smells like the inside of Vader’s helmet after he’s gone on a weekend-long chocolate-binge.

Hey, no judgment! Even the Dark Lord of the Sith has reasons for eating his feelings from time to time.

Anyways, the smell alone made me want it on my tongue. And when that’s the truism you’re dealing with, you know you’re in for a treat.

Time to drank.

But wait! Before I imbibed Mokah, I wanted to know what Southern Tier has to say about it. After all, if anyone knows the product, it’s the brewery. So I hit up their website and read the self-description  provided:

It is through similar cooperation that the simple bitter cocoa bean is transformed into a sweet treat. As scientists, our brewers utilize their materials to exacting standards. As artists, they couldn’t resist the temptation to combine two of our highly acclaimed Blackwater Series Imperial Stouts: Jahva and Choklat. Alone each is perfect, but together as Mokah they are an inimitable expression of two of the world’s most sought after flavors. Enjoy Mokah stout with — or as — your favorite dessert!

Oh Lawdy! Oh Lawdy!

Beer + Coffee + Chocolate + Dessert? I’m in heaven! If only for 7 minutes!

Okay, so I finally gave myself the chance to sip Mokah and I’m nothing short of blown away. If this reality were even a parsec closer to that of Earth X, sipping on this beer would’ve literally blown me out of my chair and cartoon rabbits would’ve started fucking on my ceiling. A grenade would’ve detonated itself, spraying the school children not with shrapnel and death but with candied treats and the knowledge that (when old enough) alcohol is wonderful.

Wait – what?

Mokah truly is a treat unto itself, a beverage to be enjoyed in its own right. If you need something to drink with a steak or to pound quickly enough to give you the (false) sense of self-esteem to talk to the hottie at the party, look elsewhere. `Cause Mokah is the real fucking deal. It’s rich and thick and it sits in your gut, warming it up as though it were some sort of spirited hearth. Flavor-wise, there is no doubt whatsoever that cocoa beans were included in the brewing process. I think that drinking this imperial might produce the same effect in an adult as a child experiences when mouth-sucking a candy bar for the first time.

Pure bliss.

When I first slurped Mokah, I jotted down the phrase, Granndad’s Hot Chocolate – chilled. But I think a more apt description can be found in my second note, which reads, Hersey’s Syrup, if they had the balls to make it alcoholic. heap it in by the spoonful!

Additionally, as an imperial this brew touts an impressive 11.2% ABV, which means that the single fat-ass bottle I bought is going to be more than enough. For what, you ask? Well, to get me through tonight’s gathering of extended-family. To make me enjoy   every track coming up on my iPod’s shuffle function. To help me write a review without second-guessing myself (for better or worse).

Okay, here it is – Mokah is the real deal. And for that, I award it justly: