If the goal of a television show is to keep you watching, then this week’s episode of True Blood succeeded. It had that sort of “son of a bitch it’s over?” cliffhanger ending that makes you regret your inability to pierce time and space with your Dong of Atemporality. If only I can run fast enough, piercing the thin skein that keeps us transcending space and time.
Speaking of it, my Dong of Atemporality reached critical mass during this episode of True Blood when pale-skinned curvy bitty Jessica took to mounting Sir Jason Stackhouse during a dream sequence. Goodness gracious was I ready to run into a wall with said Dong, smashing through timber and dry board and whatever stands in my way.
I enjoy this Jason seeing Jessica in his dreams dynamic. It’s not only because it gives me the experience of feeling every iota of blood flow to my groin, but it’s the comedic element that’s been missing from the show. I like Jason Stackhouse making me laugh, g’damnit!. And I especially like it when it also involves my favorite female on the show scantily clad.
Boom! End senseless references to my groin. Maybe.
As Jessica grinds into Jason’s dream crotch, Sookie and Eric are frolicking throughout the shitty swamps of Bon Temps. Should you have taken a shit, gotten a cookie, or passed out from watching the scene between Jason and Jessica, I’ll recap all of Sookie and Eric’s scenes for you.
Eric: QQ, I am sad. I am the evil man.
Sookie: Naw ya’ll! Ur a good guy deep down.
Eric: I am brooding and unhappy. Stare at my abs.
Sookie: I never thought that I’d let you in my house, sniffing my groin. Life is crazy!
Eric: I want to be good. Godric said I was naughty. Am I naughty?
Sookie: Your silken hair makes my yokel crotch moisten!
You just follow that through for a good fifteen minutes or so of screen time and you have the entirety of their interaction in the show. Shit finally gets good when Sookie gives up the ass – c’mon it’s all she’s good for in this show, being a sexualized object with no agency – and we all know Bill is going to shit a brick.
Terry and Arlene continue their wasting of our time with the whole Renee is my baby! type storyline. A wrinkle this week! It isn’t that Renee has infiltrated this new corporeal shell via his load rocketing up into Arlene and into one of her fire-crotched eggs. That’s what I initially thought. No instead it’s Renee haunting them? Oh, I see.
So they have an exorcism that’s pretty amusing. Tara’s cracked out Mom is there with her new Reverend husband and they do a bunch of bullshit. Dancin’! Singin!’ Shaking incense around the room. There’s the obligatory knock on the Church when Arlene points out that it’s not a demon but rather it’s a ghost.
Oh! says the Church.
Same thing!, lolz.
Meanwhile, Sam’s brother finally smashed the yokel bits out of the yokel brains that was his father and mother. Thank goodness. He feels really bad about things. Sam’s a good big brother and invokes the typical and played out debate about how killing is exempted under certain situations. War! Self-defense! Why golly gee Tommy, you fit both those descriptions! Then Sam blathers about the time he killed someone but they violated a commandment and he thinks one violation deserves another.
Outside of the main collection of Bon Temps yokels and their travels are Jesus, Lafayette and Tara. Does anyone else find it interesting that all of the characters of diversity are grouped together? They’re also ridiculous stereotypes. The sassy black gay man. The angry black chick. The Mexican dude who calls everyone “Mami” and shit. Lafayette and Jesus are going to Mexico to find Da Jesus’ grandfather. He hasn’t seen him since he was nine and he made him kill a goat. After killing the goat Jesus licked goat blood from a knife and experienced a twelve-hour priapism that had him grinding his He-Man underwear against the arid ground of Mexico. It resulted in a chaffing that was so severe he was taken away from Grandpa, never to return.*
*I may have augmented the actual storyline. Barely.
What the fuck is up with Compton. The guy is too good to fuck his own great-great-great granddaughter? What a pious son of a bitch! He can send vampires to their True Death on whims, but he is going to turn down some sizzlin’ booty over a technicality? You’re turning into quite the square, William. Square! After rejecting his great-great-great-great-great(?) granddaughter’s rationale for them continuing their tryst, he glamours her ass and sends her away. Which makes me wonder something. What the fuck was the point of that story? A small, quick, and pointless little look at the argument for incest? Just to show Bill getting some action outside of Super Sookie Time? I’m confused.
Compton spends the rest of the episode rallying his vampire posse to a call to arms. You see the witches are rolling throughout Bon Temps, lead by that Haggard Lady who turned Eric into that Whiny Kid and melted Pam’s face like a son of a bitch! The witches storyline is a great way to get super-preachy with a hilarious commentary on Christians. Putting priests as vampires? Brilliant! Depicting the Church as soulless blood-sucking monsters? Not overwrought! Not overwrought at all!
The episode ends when Pam reveals that Eric is totally staying at Sookie’s house. Dude gets totally butthurt! It cuts two ways! Not only is Sookie must assuredly making the love with his arch-nemesis, but she betrayed him when she lied about not knowing his wereabouts.
There’s going to be some serious Bro on Bro vampire hate next episode. I predict the amount of proclamations to be out of the roof. Sookie!, you lied to me. I hate you Bill Compton you awkward-haired fuck! Stuff like that.