THIS WEEK ON True Blood: I’m Alive and on Fire
When we last left True Blood, Eric was a brainless twink dream, Jason was getting raped by a pack of werepanthers, Sookie was probably doing something, and Bill was sentencing dudes to death in-between knocking boots with that lawyer. Whatever could come next! Let’s find out, shall we?
Jason Stackhouse In LOST.
Stackhouse spends a majority of the episode running through the woods of LOST. Instead of a black smoke monster chasing him, he’s privy to having hordes of yokel goober-fuckers after his well-chewed but still incredibly defined ass. Dude escapes after convincing some twelve year-old the best way to lose her virginity isn’t at proverbial knife-point in a shed. I wish someone I told me back in the day that wasn’t the best way for me to lose it.
And they say television doesn’t teach you anything. Pshaw!
Eventually Stackhouse leaves the Island, though without any overwrought masturbation of Christian theology. Thankfully. Hoyt and Jessica find him laid out at the side of the road, and a true Karmic high-five, he gets to suck on Jessica. That is a fate better than most, right there.
As Bon Temps Turns.
For some reason in the True Blood universe, no one calls ahead. They just roll up onto door steps and expect people to be doing nothing. Sam drives up to Chick Who Can Be A Horse’s house because he has a bit of the balls tingle and he was thinking of her. Low and behold! she has a kid. Sam tries to play it off like he doesn’t mind, but I know off camera he let out one single tear. When that lady asked him what was wrong, he said “Nothing…just trying to hold a fart in”. A true pimp move, trading momentary embarassment in order to not reveal his disappointment that her legs have been blown open by the biological disaster that is reproduction.
Sam’s retarded brother went back to his yokel family, and they up and kidnapped his ass. It could be worse, he could be hanging out with those Witches. I wish the Witches were always doing super spells and making Vampires act the fool. Unfortunately for a good part of the episode it was just Lafayette and Jesus complaining like bitches like that old lady put her hands on books and looked haggard as fuck.
Eventually they did get to zap Pam with a righteous spell, her silly face rotting off and whatever. Also, Pam got to me this episode with her get-up. It must be the latex fetish, but seeing her jubblies all pushed up and taunting me, I had to take a moment to compose myself, and find a pillow.
Bill, the Zany Incest Guy.
HBO isn’t content to have just one show that features some quality incest. No sir. It seems that the lawyer that Compton has been staking is his great, great, great granddaughter or something. I know they’re related, they just lost me on the amount of “greats”. For some reason this is an enormous conundrum for Compton.
For a man who has raped and pillaged and dined on the souls of many a mortal man and woman, I don’t know why he’s balking at the idea of nailing someone four relations removed from him. Now you’re getting moralistic, Compton? Besides, you’re infertile! You can’t even worry about getting her pregnant.
Love shall not be denied! Plus, you’re in Bon Temps. Half the down is probably inbred. Just roll with it.
Sookie’s New Threesome.
Sookie spends the majority of the episode babysitting Eric. Initially written as an amnesiac, the guileless and oddly effeminate looking Viking has since descended into some cute state of immortal retardation. Dude snacked on an entire fairy godmother, and that shit is straight up Crunk Juice Extravaganza to those of the Fanged community.
Since Sookie needs to be the sexualized lynchpin whose holes are always glorified and up for grabs, the writers throw Alcide into the episode. Shirtless Alcide and shirtless Eric almost come to blows, but Sookie and her tight little body back them off the ledge. They silently nod to one another, recognizing the fact that they’re probably just going to throw her into the back of a van very soon and play pincushion with their penises and her body.
It’s like the writers wouldn’t know what to do if they didn’t turn Sookie into a Fetish Object to be fought over by two or more characters. They’d be lost. Confused. Adrift.
As the world turns! The fourth episode of the season ended, and it seems to be a slow boil here in Bon Temps. I assume at some point shit is going to break loose between the witches and vampires, but until then I’m content to watch Sookie babysit Eric, and get cookies and check my email during pretty much any other part.
What’d you guys think?