Sex Club Game Lets You Buy Japanese Smut Stars. Get Your Virtual Hump On!

Japanese developer DMM.com has released a game which was obviously secretly created and coded by myself. It is titled rather aptly, “Virtual Sex Club”. I could only come across this title after several hours of hyperbaric meditation, and I have to say I’m pretty proud of it. However, I’m much more excited about the premise. You pay a monthly fee, ¥1,800 (US$21), then that entitles you to 30,000 Gold. Why gold? ‘Cause isn’t that what we’ve always wanted to spend when buying porn stars? Hey you! Porn star! Fourteen gold bricks to brick your bung-hole!

It’s me, making dreams come true.

But wait, there’s more!

Kotaku:

[The 30,000 gold] can be used to purchase characters and sexy-time “armor”. Once that 30,000 Gold is gone, players can charge more gold on their credit cards. So what does 30,000 Gold buy?

Well, it isn’t enough for a virtual avatar of Risa Tsukino, star of adult films like NON STOP ORGASM and WATER POLE 61. She costs 35,000 Gold. But players can buy “Arisa” (whoever “Arisa” is) for a mere 10,000 Gold.

But once they buy her, players might want to customize her: wavy hair costs 5,000 Gold, pink finger nails for 4,400 Gold and a facial mole for 4,400 Gold. (A breast mole is 5,000 Gold!)

There are an array of costumes, but the basics (frilly underwear) come at a cost. Bras or stockings are around 5,000 Gold, while panties venture slightly north of 5,000 Gold. There are even things like sunglasses (4,000 Gold) or watches (6,000 Gold). Then there are items like nipple rings – and more.

Tit moles! Virtual porn stars! Bras! I know a bit of the shit is pricey, but I wanted you to feel really classy when purchasing your masturbatory virtual items. Like a true baller, if you will. But wait! There’s more. You’re probably asking where the dildos, toothpaste enema kits (they’re real!, but sadly not in the game), and other sex toys are. Don’t sweat it.

This being a sex game, things like dildos are also available. Some of the toys are free (how generous), but many of them are priced. There are also things like banana-shaped vibrators and spatulas for 5,400 Gold each.

Again! A bit pricey, but if you’re going to slap an ass with a spatula, you’re going to pay. It’s just like the real world. But fake. With fake money. And the only belly you’re ejaculating on is your own. Now you’re probably asking about positions. Can you hit it reverse cow girl? Doggy style? Crouching Tiger Hidden Penis? Of course you can! For a price.

This being a sex game, the point is to have sex. Missionary style is free of charge, but things like “doggy style” are priced at 9,000 Gold.

Listen man, I’m an entepreneur. You should see how much upside-down space docking costs. It’s a lot.

I’m pretty sure I’ve hit my billion dollar idea.