Variant Covers: Event Dongs, Zombies, and Silence

[variant covers is a weekly comic book column every tuesday that breaks down the various shit coming out that week the world of capes and lasers]

Blackest Night #6
Ain’t nothing really coming out tomorrow in comic book land. You just had Christmas, so stop expecting presents and whining and shit! With the holidays fucking up release schedules and uh stuff, Diamond Comic Distributors announced way back in April they weren’t moving straight nothing this week. Bollocks and shit!

Marvel and DC are using this bare bones release list to shove their Event Dongs gleefully down every comic book fan’s throat. DC is direct shipping Blackest Night #6 to select comic book retailers. My boy Dean over at my local comic shop said you had to meet all sorts of requirements to be an eligible comic store. There’s quotas and crap. I assume it’s like, the comic book store must have at least four gaudy DC t-shirts hanging up somewhere in the store, and at least three DC character cutout stand-ups. And then the owners have to rip off like three push-ups and identify every Earth-3 character starting with Princess Diana the Carbaholic.

Origins of Siege
Meanwhile Marvel is giving away a “free comic” called Origins of Siege. I’m going to go ahead and assume it’s a text-based informercial catching you up on everything that leads into their next event. Called Siege, duh. I can catch you up without this rag though: The Green Goblin controls the world, and now wants to fuck up Thor and Asgard. There you go. Oh yeah, and Thor is all Billy Batson and has a human form.

I really don’t give a crap about the slow week though. I have a backlog that extends into October. Comic books sitting on my desk, asking me kindly to stop playing that three thousandth round of Modern Warfare 2 and get to capes and lasers like woah. Use this week to begin drinking early for New Year’s Eve, catch up on all the comic books you haven’t read yet, and marry and orangutan.