One of the worst kept secrets has now transmuted itself into one of the biggest “yeah no shit” announcements at E3. Rockstar games has revealed that Grand Theft Auto V is coming to the Personal Computer, as well as the PS4 and XB1. Which is neat for me, because I dun fucking goofed and didn’t get around to the title when it was released last year.
There are no words or phrases that could properly describe the fanboy squeal I let out upon seeing Nathan Drake’s next-gen model. But here are some attempts: pathetic, vaguely lustful, high-pitched, horny?, excited, jacked, pumped, somewhat sad, and overly excited.
Far Cry 4 came on the screen during Sony’s E3 presser and promptly dominated my balls. However, Sony dropped a fucking bomb just as I was imploring a friend to buy the game so we could play together. If you want a friend to join in your epic mountainous battle with elephants and locales and shit, your friend doesn’t need to own the game. Wut.
The next game from the Sadistic Bastards behind the Dark Souls franchise has made is debut at E3. It’s Bloodborne, and it looks like straight-up Nightmare Fuel.
OH SHIT! Platinum Games with an XB1 exclusive? That’s the sort of thing that gets my jaded, XB1-neglecting ass to pay attention. It’s totally Devil May Cry Over Dragons or some shit, but whatever. Platinum Games don’t usually let me down. And any exclusive I can get quasi-pumped for is enough. Is that…is that sad? The level my expectations have been lowered to by E3?
EA dropped a “trailer” for Star Wars Battlefront. Much like the “trailer” for New Mass Effect (Game 4): Not Shepherd, it’s mostly just people who I am sure are very nice flapping their gums about the process. Which interests me pretty much not at all. But it’s a “trailer!”, wee!
Here’s a “glimpse” at the new Mass Effect. But honestly it’s a whole goddamn pile of platitudes, empty rhetoric, “conceptual artwork” and happy horse shit. Someone give me a goddamn look at the actual game. Like, I’d take ten seconds of actually something over this minute+ of pretty much hot air.
Raiding tombs fucks you up, yo. Or maybe it’s the thousands of bullets and arrows you use to perforate all the baddies that inevitably inhabit said tombs. Either way.
It’s a SURPRISE! That we knew about last month. Microsoft is releasing Halo: The Master Chief collection this November, giving fans of John-1117-SpartanGuy something to chew on until Halo 5: Guardians of A Different Galaxy. Plus! It features the buzz words of Gen8 or whatever: 1080p, 60 fps.
Tomb Raider is getting itself a sequel, and goddamn I’m happy about it. Like a litany of other games want to play though, the sequel is coming in 2015. Goddamn, I’m not happy about that.