Sup fuckers. Don your war crest. Paint your face with the blood of those who have fallen before you staves, swords, axes. This is getting real. The following week is filled with enough revelry to burst my little heart. Were I a coward. But I am not such thing. My arteries are thickened from excessive, caffeine-fueled pumping. The next seven days are a gauntlet of awesome that justify this meager little column. Nay, these seven days justify my generally effusive demeanor. This is MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE, the column where we pontificate on the various little objects filling our hurt-holes. The arts, farts, funny books, and video games we are using as a salve to soothe the general burn of existence.

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Oh shit, they’re dropping R.E.S.C.U.E. (or something like it) on our ass in Iron Man 3? This movie needs to be inside me. Also, apologies for the completely irrelevant picture. Miles away from a copy of Photoshop at the moment.

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A goddamn boatload of Borderlands 2 news dropped yesterday at PAX East. It is a mighty good thing I wasn’t there, for I would have dropped trousers and charged the stage. In my culture, nothing conveys excitement like a stinky little penis head being rubbed on the chair of whomever has done you right. But uh yeah, here is the info.

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It’s eerie to waltz around a world I’ve seen in trailers on and off since 2011. Eerie and awe-inspiring. Columbia is another City 17; avid gamers will hopefully feel happy to hear me draw the comparison.

There’s been so much said about the game, both from two years’ worth of previews and advance (groan) exclusive reviews over the past week. I won’t waste your time with fluff; here are some (spoiler-free) thoughts from my five-hour foray into Columbia so far.

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Welcome back to the final installment of Tom’s tale.  We left Tom in quite a pickle last week.  Let’s step inside and see where our friend is now.  As a side note, thank you to everyone for the kind words concerning this story.  I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.

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Capcom has laid down a Mega-Ton Bombage today, rocking people of my proclivities (gaming) and age (old). The company is remastering the classic platformer DuckTales. A quick scan of my Twitter and Facebook feed confirms that this is giving most of the people I know raging sex glands.

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Robert Redford is in talks to join Cap America: The Bucky Bromance Lives. I think we all totally saw this one coming, right? Get it? ‘Cause there was probably no chance anyone would have anticipated this. Ah whatever, I’m a fucking idiot. Hit the jump for the story.

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China wants to stop sucking at the meaty, frayed teat of Microsoft and Apple. In order to do so, the country is building a national operating system. Said OS will be based on Ubuntu, and I don’t really know what that means. I thought Ubuntu or whatever was what the 2007 Celtics were based on. I’m confused. Someone pass me my bottle and blanket. The lights are dimming.

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It seems that the Lord’s People have decided to weigh in on the more “recent” characterizations of Batman. Namely, they seemed to think the Flying Rodent has become a bitter son of a bitch. I’m sure I agree with them (go figure), and I especially don’t think it is a new development. All I do know is that I want to roll through those fuckers’ balling comics collection. The room for the pull-boxes must be enormous.

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This is all the wonder. Rogue rocking out in a full-body suit, daring my latex fetish to subvert my already feeble consciousness. If I let the drive win, I’ll wake up wearing a Gambit costume. Covered in indistinct hairs. Screaming for the whip.

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