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Cocaine Bear isn’t foolin’ around, and I love him for that. This creation of crack-fueled ferocity is brought to the world by Jon Defreest, who is clearly in touch with the wonderhorrors of us all.

Via.

Finally the dream I’ve been waiting to become reality. I don’t want to just feel like a retard while I’m playing World of Warcraft. No. I want to look like one. Alright, you got me. More like one. Now I can with this Kinect hack. Who doesn’t want to waggle their arms, lean forward, lean back, and other things to control their WoW character? Probably everyone! We’re fat, and gelatinous. By and large. We like the sitting.

Hit the jump to see a dude play WoW with Kinect, which makes it look a lot like aerobics.

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I’ve been covering Dream Club Zero for a while. It’s full of amazing things. Stuffing girls’ mouths with sausages. Slapping bugs off their tits. But this newest one is the most amazing/awful. You feed the girls ice cream. However if you “miss”, the girls get ice cream dribbling all over their dumb faces.

I imagine many people will be missing. And jerking. And missing some more.

Via.

[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction.   Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]

[translated from German]
17 Oktober 1944
Hurtgenwald

Father,
Up until this point I have wholly hearted treated the Hitler Adolf’s plans as the gospel and felt secure. Every mission I have been on has been a most successful triumphant. In the last week alone I have killed ten Amerikans myself. They are swift and dutiful, surely wishing to derail our plans for the Ardennes Offensive. But we are well-minded and well-suited; with my 9mm Luger the Amerikans are but targets of practice.

It is the perfect weapon with which their ideologies can be blown to death whispers.

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Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman. My name is Caffeine Powered, and I will be guiding you through the final Variant Covers of the year. 2010? Done already. Jesus Fuck. Herein you’ll find the comics I’m digging this week. And with taste so remarkably suspect, I encourage you to drop what you’re checking out in the comments box. I’ll try anything. My therapist tells me its probably to my detriment.

—-

S.H.I.E.L.D #5
It’s fitting that an issue of my favorite comic of the year is dropping on the final week. If you haven’t been checking this comic book out, you’re missing a god damn adventure. Hickman and Weaver have journeyed through time and narrative technique to give us the finest Marvel has to offer. Taking something as rote as S.H.I.E.L.D and reworking it into a secret society designed to govern humanity’s destiny? Fantastic.

Hickman has weaved together enormous philosophical ideas and epic action sequences in a way that makes my nuts hurt. One minute he has Leonard Da Vinci and Isaac Newton talking in algorithms and symbols, the next he has goddamn Galactus storming the planet.

I love my wonderment and intellectual ideas strewn through epic. I can’t help it. I love my capes, but I love them even more when they’re getting the rusty cogs turning.

Read this fucking comic book.

Also In Marvel:
Captain America #613 is coming out, following Bucky as he heads to trial for his crimes as the Winter Soldier. Now that Daredevil’s massive run is done, Cap remains the book that quietly goes about its business. It’s solid every month. Also, Avengers #8 is droppin’, and it features the fucking Infinity Gauntlet. I don’t get pumped for many Avengers titles anymore, but this throwback to my childhood has it gleeful. Nostalgia a-go-go!
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Action Comics #896
Since I’m being introretrospective and shit, I should point out that 2010 was the year my appetite for the unexplored kicked into overdrive. I wanted to check out anything and everything people were ranting about. Comic book wise. Maybe fetish wise too. I figured if I was writing a comic book column, I needed to check shit out. So I snagged a copy of Action Comics based on praise alone, and I was pleasantly surprised. I never (ever) would have figured that a comic book starring Lex Luthor would have been dope. Mea culpa. Mea culpa. I started up with the issue following Luthor’s metaphysical rant with Death, and I’ve been engaged since.

Cornell makes Luthor at once sexy and diabolical. The douchebag you root for, the asshole you love. Also, as I’ve mentioned, the Jimmy Olsen serial in the back of the comics is hilarious and almost worth the price of admission alone.

Fair warning: This is a crossover issue, bleeding into Secret Six #29. [Which I’ll probably skip and read a synopsis of.]

Also In DC:
If I had enough money, I’d be checking out the current run on Detective Comics. Jock’s artwork is worthy of purchase enough. If you know, I didn’t have a caffeine addiction to fuel, and an already bulging pull list. Detective Comics #872 drops this week, and if you’re looking for something to snag that you usually don’t, you probably can’t go wrong here.

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It’s going to be a long, long eleven months (and change) waiting for Uncharted 3. Especially if Sony and Naughty Dog continue to drop these gameplay videos. They released a couple more today. Some of it is the same stuff that was on the Jimmy Fail show a couple of weeks ago, some of it is new.

What else is there to say?

Hit the jump for the videos.

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With their take on True Grit, Joel and Ethan Coen didn’t remake the 1969 John Wayne film of the same name. And they didn’t “update” the film’s 1968 source material by writer Charles Portis. What they’ve done is make the best damn western since 1992’s Unforgiven. But the Coen’s masterpiece isn’t filled with brooding and extraneous landscape shots. In true Coen fashion, the two hours are stocked with dark humor, bursts of violence, Roger Deakins‘ masterful cinematography, and characters so well-crafted that no time gets wasted on unnecessary background stories. In one of the great surprises of the year, one of these characters is played by 14-year-old newcomer Hailee Steinfeld.

Young Hailee effortlessly steals the show from acclaimed veterans Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, and Josh Brolin. She plays Mattie Ross, a girl whose father is shot dead by drifter Tom Chaney (Brolin). Because Chaney flees into Indian territory, the local authorities will not pursue. Mattie hires Deputy U.S. Marshall Rooster Cogburn (Bridges), a man with a merciless reputation – a man with “true grit.” Texas Ranger La Boeuf (Damon) is also on Chaney’s trail, for a murder he committed months previous in TX. And the great adventure begins.

Bridges plays Cogburn hardboiled as hell, without the character devolving into a goofy, tough-guy brooder. He’s filled with interesting contradictions: gruff marshal with the heart of gold, drunk mess who’s a competent lawman, constant heckler with a sensitive spine. All of this makes up another classic, quotable character for Bridges. Damon’s La Boeuf is the all-American Texas Ranger swollen with pride. His boasting makes him sound foolish, but he’s got the gunslingin’ chops to back up all the touting. Out of the plethora of colorful characters the Coen’s have penned over the years, True Grit‘s cast makes up some of the best. They all deliver dated dialogue in an obsolete, contraction-less language that comes off Shakespearean at times. I left the theater wishing people still talked that way.

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Everyone knows about Jupiter’s Red Spot. And for good reason, ’cause it’s goddamn impressive. But did you know that Saturn has its own friggin’ insane spot? Not to be outdone by its solar system brethren, Saturn has a Great White Spot that is a thousand-mile storm.

The Great White Spot is the lesser known, Saturnian equivalent of Jupiter’s Great Red Spot. It’s the name given to periodic storms that flare up about every 28.5 years, previously showing up in 1876, 1903, 1933, 1960, and 1990. As such, we shouldn’t be expecting another appearance until around 2018, although huge, Spot-like storms do occasionally show up at times that don’t fit the cycle, including 1994 and 2006.

G’damn! Thanks to a   new image by the Cassini probe taken on Christmas Eve, we may have an insane image of another occurrence:

torms like these are thought to be created by thermal instability, which throws up tons of material from the planet’s lower atmosphere up into the higher regions. When these storms overlap with the turning of Saturn’s seasonal cycle every 28 or so years, the storm becomes so massive that it can encircle the entire planet, creating the Great White Spot.

[cont]

Technically speaking, we don’t know yet whether this particular storm will develop into a full-fledged Great White Spot. Of course, even if it doesn’t technically qualify for “great” status, we’re still talking about a storm system that you could fit this week’s northeastern blizzard into a dozen times over.

If that shit isn’t mindblowing enough, Bad Astronomy puts it into even crazier perspective:

This image, taken with a blue filter, shows the storm clearly. The main spot is huge, about 6,000 km (3600 miles) across – half the size of Earth! Including the tail streaming off to the right, the whole system is over 60,000 km (36,000 miles) long.

Whether this is a new iteration of the son of a bitch Great White Spot, or just an enormous storm enough to send me into a full-blown existential crisis, it’s goddamn gorgeous.

Come one, come all! Join the frenzy! This is the Monday Morning Commute, the little niche I carve for myself at the beginning of the work week to tell you about my tentative plans for the next few days. After you read about the nerdcore endeavors I’ll be undertaking, hit the comments section with your own course(s) of action.

Are you going to spend every night drankin’ beers and reading Lord of the Rings? Are you going to finally apologize to the mailman for assaulting him during a caffeinated rage of blinding proportions? Are you going meet your Internet girlfriend at a shady bowling alley? Let us know.

But for now, take a peek at what I’ll be doing.

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Droogies! What the fuck is up? Caffeinated Powered straight up on your grill piece tonight. You may have noticed the lack of updates as of lately? To be honest, you probably haven’t. To the two dedicated followers: what the fuck is up? How was your holiday season? Was Jesus Claus kind to you? Word? Excellent. Glad to hear it.

My holiday days were marked by time spent with family, friends, and material excess that would blow your asshole off its hinges. I haven’t even frequented the internet since Friday evening, and it felt fucking great. I shouldn’t say that when I know that traffic is GOD and traffic is generated through content. But what can you do? I feel fucking fresh. Haven’t done school work in a week. Ripped to the tits off of caffeine, spending good time talking mush-mouth nonsense with Rendar.

You get the two of us in a house together and it isn’t going to amount to much.

We broke the best month ever a couple of weeks ago. Shit is going swimmingly. The end of the year is approaching, but if I have anything to say about it, 2011 will be looking very Omega. Latex porn references! Juvenility! Can’t stop! Wont’ stop.

So yeah, token filler bullshit post, letting you know that Us Three Invalids haven’t gone anywhere. I know the Coop is currently in his homestate, Frakenstein is ingesting ludicrous amounts of coffee and Twain autobio, and myself? I’m here, I’m queer, love me!   I’ve been spending time with Ms. Caffeine Powered. But she’s returning to work tomorrow, having stayed home today for Snowpocalypse 2010. So it’s all systems go tomorrow. Guard your asshole, say your prayers, and shake your head.

Xoxoxo Assholes,

Lieutenant Puerile.