The Next Xbox is being revealed on May 21. There are unconfirmed reports I’m going to dress up like Bill Gates and jack off into a blender filled with Xbox hardware. As I watch, it’ll hurl tech-shrapnel deep into my guts. I will orgasm.
Well, shit. I certainly didn’t see this coming. It ain’t Fallout 4, and for that I’m going to rope-a-dope by balls with a frozen sirloin steak. It is what must be done. It ain’t the end of the world, though. Shinji Mikami. Bethesda. I’ll take it.
Sony has unveiled their next-generation platform at today’s much anticipated Playstation meeting event. You can guess the name they went with.
In a two-hour event live-streamed through every major media outlet, the new console, its UI, its core features and its first games were shown off to the world for the first time. Let’s get to all the meat unveiled today.
This is one way for someone to deal with their slacker son. One concerned father in China saw his son (much like me) sitting around in their early college years playing video games instead of going to school (much like me). What to do in this situation? A parent could sit around waiting for their son to pass out due to caffeine addiction and gross caloric in-take. They could then drag that son to a sweat lodge in the Mountains and force them to expunge the demon spirits from their body. (Trust me, it doesn’t work.) Or they could hire online assassins to slap down the son in the game they’re addicted to. Invariably driving the son out of the game, and pushing them to go back go school.
Yeah, right. There is like, an infinite amount of video games out there. Though, it’s a great try.
As much as I like my bank account to bathe in its own minuscule juices, I like new gaming consoles even more. So I’m more than ready to embrace the Xbox-Kinect Excelsior-720-AR wunderkind. I have been ready for awhile. If this report is to be believed, I’ve got myself another year to wait. Whatever. What is another year. That’s like 400 days, or something. 3,000 masturbation sessions, or something. I can handle this.
It’s not often I feel the need to defend games, whether it be individual titles or the medium as a whole. However, after a week that saw Eurogamer lose Robert Florence and face the threat of libel charges after voicing some pretty blatant truths about the games industry, it seems only fitting that games, and the culture surrounding them, should be studied and scrutinized more often.
With that in mind, perhaps we should consider what makes the medium so great, so worthy of our passion and just what it is that we should strive to preserve. In this case, I want to talk about who makes it so great.
Joe Madureira was like, the jam. Man. Way back in the day, I was obsessed with the guy. Then he stopped drawing watermelon boobs and hands the size of basketballs to tool around on other projects. Which is probably for the best, allowing me to not actively figure out how much I didn’t enjoy his style any longer. Now the dude is returning to comics though seemingly full time, and my past self is pretty excited.
Want to turn your room into a 3D environment used for gaming? Fuck you! Didn’t you learn anything from Bradbury’s The Veldt? For those of you unwashed automatons, your dreams could be coming true. Yes, yes. Give into the wave of complacency. Moreso than usual, obviously.
This week my prayers were finally answered. After weeks of ceremoniously burning copies of Too Human as sacrifice to my polygonal God, the games industry has finally started moving again. This week’s Games Con saw a whole host of sexy new trailers and announcements, including the likes of Star Wars: 1313, Metal Gear Rising and the impressive Remember Me.
Now that you’ve watched those, here’s my selection of the not quite so prominent goings-on in the games industry, or at least the happenings that won’t just result in two paragraphs of me gushing like a schoolboy.
I’ve seen so much of the zombie apocalypse that I now feel suitably numb to the whole scenario; numb enough, at least, to be able to deal with it calmly and with a level of effortless cool, should it actually come to pass. Appropriately enough, it seems that Deadlight’s ‘hero’ – Randal Wayne- has had just about enough of the undead, too. He stumbles through the game with a gruff bravado and a longing for his possibly-dead-by-now wife: barely even batting an eyelid to the swathes of zombies that surround him. Apathy, it seems, is infectious.