I’m going to level with you. I came up with the title before I watched the trailer because of Internet descriptions. Because you know what? This actually looks like it may be really fun in a completely dumb, absurd sort of way. I’m wavering on this flick, yo. WAVERING. Like. I know it looks dumb as sin. But maybe that’s okay?
This is Shredder from the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. He looks like an idiotic piece of Transformers shit. Hit the jump to bask in true horror.
The official Marketing Gestapo behind the upcoming Teenage Mutant Childhood Killer (if you believe that — frankly I don’t know what the fuck to think) is putting out a direct-to-DVD documentary about the rise of the Mutated Ones. Will I buy it? No. Will I ride the High Seas to acquire it? NO. (Wink.)
Nothing is sacred, especially our childhoods. Plastic face’d Megan Fox. Slap-ass plastic Ninja Turtles. ‘Splosions.
Finally, my tax dollars at work on something I can get behind. The troops deserve the most delicious of foods, and I think it’s objectively proven that pizza is that food.
You know William Fichtner. He’s that guy. Plays a villain in a million different movies. Can’t remember what you’ve seen him in? Don’t worry. You’ve seen him, and enjoyed his performance. Unfortunately, I don’t know about this next one of his. Duder is going to be rocking the role of Shredder in the next Michael Bay Vomit Pile.
Rome is burning, folks. So is our childhood.
If there was any doubt (there shouldn’t have been) that Michael Bay’s Ninja Thing Alien Surfers reboot was going to suck, you can cast aside those foolish notions. Megan Fox has joined the enterprise, portraying a childhood crush of mine. She’ll be taking the role over, bringing to it freakishly large thumbs, and raging vapidity.
I used to love cartoons. What happened? Did I grow up? Did I turn into a fun hating ogre? I just think that most cartoons today suck. There’s a few here and there that I love (Venture Brothers, South Park), but for the most part, I don’t like them. My friends always joke that I never had a childhood. They make assumptions that I was always the cynical dick that I present myself as. Well, to throw a wrench in their plans, here are my favorite 5 cartoon shows from when I was a child.