#April2014

Maybe? These are leaked pictures of AMAZON’S 3D SMARTPHONE

smartest of phones

Here we be! Some “leaked” “maybe” pictures of Amazon’s upcoming 3D smartphone. I’m willing to stake my J-Law puppet collection on them being legit, though.

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New Apple Patents outlines wireless charging method. The future be good.

Wires are only good for tying up your loved ones, and slowly spanking them. In my future, there is no place for those easily-tangled bastards outside of eroticism. Apple feels me! Apple feels me! A new patent of theirs outlines the future we’ve been waiting for, a future replete with wireless charging.

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Video: 4D scan of a fetus YAWNING in the womb. Woah ++

New science-technology wizardy has revealed that we begin our slumberous swagger all up in our mother’s guts. For reasons they’re still trying to figure out, Scientist Wizards have observed a soon-baby yawning. Ain’t easy coming into existence. It’s exhausting.

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ROBOTIC SNAKE designed to slither through your body and eradicate tumors. Erm.

I’m all for progress. Science. Medicine. Don’t get me wrong. I just don’t know how I feel about unleashing a robotic snake in my body, even if that swag is under the guise of eradicating tumors. Eh, who the hell am I kidding. I’d probably get off on it. I’m freaky like that. How you doing?

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Researchers grow HUMAN TISSUE around nanowires and transistors. CYBORG FLESH, ya’ll.

Isn’t much time until Caprica Six is launching nuclear strikes and boning wily, narcissistic scientists. Researchers have found a way to grow human flesh around all sorts of technology. We’re talking nanowires! Pow! We’re talking transistors! Pow! The future isn’t arriving, it is here. Eating out of your refrigerator and casting uncomfortable looks at your Mom’s legs.

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Apple buys patent-rich security firm for $356, barely choking back evil cackles whilst doing so.

Apple has snagged up a security firm who is fat-gutted on a glut of patents. I’m sure their evil maestros could barely contain their priapisms and sloppy loins when they finished this deal.

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Reseachers create synthetic iris that can bypass eye-scanning security systems. The future is nao!

Researchers have drummed up this fantastic way to get around eye-scanning security systems. Let’s see if you can understand exactly how they do it, because it makes my skull all sorts of shades hurt.

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Scientists create ARTIFICIAL JELLYFISH from a RAT’S HEART. Yeah, science!

One day some brilliant biophysicist was hanging out at the New England Aquarium when he thought something I would have never dreamed. Dude said to himself, “I can build a jellyfish”, whereas usually I’m like “man…the fish, they like, swim. Really well.”

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The FDA has approved the first drug proven to HELP PREVENT HIV infection. Say, word?

Key phrase: “help prevent” HIV infection.

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Nuclear Scientists Forging Sapphire Discs That Will Store Data For MILLIONS OF YEARS. Well.

Hey, this is totally awesome. We’re going to be able to store data for millions of years on these neat sapphire discs. Nothing will ensure our shame like when the Martians return, wondering what the fuck happened. They’ll spin up these discs, and see us fat, bloated, and giggling at cats on YouTube.

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