I say goddamn! Let’s all do what I am inclined to do: get excited over some astronomical theorizing based off of computer simulations! There ain’t nothing like mathematical calculations postulating about Earth-sized planets to get my nipples leaking mud.
Hubble has broken its previous record for the furthest supernova explosion ever detected. It’s like, really, really, really far away. Would probably take Superman like three or four days to get there. (And he’s faster than the Flash.)
The Mars Curiosity Rover Guy has found conditions on the aforementioned Red Planet that suggest the planet was once suitable for life. The real question becomes (obviously), when did we destroy Ares before we fled here to the Blue Marble? Don’t fuck with me, I’ve seen the face on the planet and everything. It makes sense. Tell me, Illuminati! Tell me!
The Space Wizards have found us a new exoplanet, and this one is fucking small. How small? We’re talking about as small as the round mound of Cheese that we like to call the Moon. Space Cheese. Pluto is probably pretty upset about this news, as it continues to deny the fact that its demotion wasn’t purely based on its size. Give it up, Pluto!
How is this for a storm. The wunder-object Cassini has picked up a thunder-and-lightning maelstrom on Saturn that is so goddamn enormous, it wraps around the entire planet. That is some straight not fucking around space right there.
Let’s all double-down on the qualifiers here, people. A mere 12 light-years away lurks a planet that may be habitable. So even though we can never reach it, and we will never truly know, let’s all get excited.
Scientists may have found something tremendous in the soil upon the Red Planet. While they’re double-checking and quadruple verifying their date, they have also begun to leak their excitement to the press.
Woo! I’m totally excited about us doing as a civilization something I probably thought we had already done! Astronomers have taken their first picture of a planet orbiting a star, allowing us to plan our travel to this planet. We can go there, right? We got this, correct? Pack your bags, it’s on!
Goddamn! Get down, get down. Astro-wizards have found an “Earth-sized” planet in Alpha Centauri. If you don’t think this is the berries, good sir or madam, you don’t know poop about squat.
Well shoot. Back in the day Tatooine could get by being a piece of shit desert world because it offered the novelty of two suns. Insert binary sunset. Now it doesn’t have anything to fall back upon. Researches have found a planet for four suns. A planet that farts on Tatooine will kissing its mother. A tragic tale.
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